Miserable at Best

Chapter 4: Paranoia

Author's Note:

So yeah... This is the result of her trauma... What a poor girl she is, don't you think?.. (3_3)

I woke up from my sleep when I felt a need for water. I looked around the whole place and tried to find out where I am. Then my confusion got answered when I saw Andrej sleeping near my feet. I noticed a blanket covering me as I raised up from the couch. Maybe he put it on me before when I fell asleep.

I slowly sit up on the couch and take the blanket off me. Then I put it around him as he sleeps peacefully with his head buried onto his arms on the couch. I put pillow under his arms for support and for him to have a better position. Then I stood up and walk into the kitchen to drink.

I turn on the light and quickly grab a glass before walking to the fridge. I get one of his water bottles and pour some of the liquid into the glass. I let the cold water soothe down my throat as I gulp. As I placed the glass back in the sink, my sight noticed the small window on the corner of the wall. Nothing can be seen outside but the darkness of the sky. I walked over and look out of the window. The dark sky is seen clearly from here because his apartment is on the third floor. And this happens to be in the end part of the hallway.

As I was gazing outside, I seemed saw something moved from afar. I looked closely and realized there's a two-storey house standing across the street. But the thing that gets me is the figure standing on the roof of the house. I couldn't make it out clearly, but it looks like some kind of silhouette of a man... A guy maybe. And he seems staring back at me.

I shakily stepped back from the window. Nervousness and fear crept up my veins as I remembered the stranger who raped me. Thoughts of worry swirl inside my mind as I think of different things about that man.

What if he's that figure from across the street? What if he's watching me right now?... What if he's planning to do that again?... What if this time, he's planning to kill me?... I thought.

I shakily ran back to the couch and jumped on it. Andrej jolted up when I reached the couch and sat there frightened.

"What happened?..." He asked worriedly and sat next to me.

"H-he's h-here..." I shakily whispered holding my knees up to my chest.

"What?! Who?" He asked stunned and confused.

"T-that... T-the man..." I trailed off looking at him.

He frowned at me confused. "What are you talking about?... I can't understand you."

"The man that raped me! He's here!!" I cried out.

"What?!! Where?!" He asked looking at me deeply.

"H-he... He's... He's watching me..." I cried softly holding my knees tighter.

"Amanda where did you see him?! How'd you know he's here?..." He asked getting more worried about me.

"In the kitchen... He's out on the window watching me..." I cried softly.

Andrej looked at me confused for a while. He then ran to the kitchen and looked out of the window.

"Amanda, there's no one here..." He said as he turned on the light in the living room.

I look at him frightened then focused on the window behind him. I swear to God I saw that man watching me on the roof. I hesitated for a while before I tell him that I really saw the man.

"B-but... He's there... He's out there..." I said sounding like a child.

Andrej ran his hand through his brown hair and sighed. He turned around and look out of the window again.

"Andrej be careful!" I shouted as I ran up to him.

He turned around and faced me. Then he gestured me to come to him.

I hesitantly walked over to him and carefully looked out of the window.

"You see? There's nothing out there! Just darkness!!" He said pointing to the window.

"But I just saw his figure standing on that roof looking at me..." I said convincing him to believe me.

He sighed and put his hands on my shoulders.

"Look, you're just stressed, okay. You get delusional from all that had happened to you, that's why you're seeing things. But there's nothing out here... There's no man or figure. It's just your mind playing tricks on you..." He explained locking his blue eyes on mine.

"But... I swear I-"

"You're just paranoid and need some rest. Come on let's go back to sleep." He said as he led me out of the kitchen and turned off the light in it.

I locked my gaze on the window as we started to walk out of the kitchen. But I broke it from the thing when he let me sit on the couch and go back to sleep.

"Lay back down now... There's nothing out there..." He smiled reassuring me.

I do as he said and slowly laid down on the couch. He caressed my forehead and gave me a sweet smile as I try to go back to sleep.

"Are you sure there's nothing out there?" I asked still worried about the man.

He chuckled softly before he responded. "I'm sure there's nothing out there! Just go back to sleep and I'll stay here watching you until you wake up." He smiled sweetly.

I couldn't help but smiled back at him. He's such a sweetheart and a very kind friend. Even though we only met today, I already feel comfortable around him and I'm very sure to myself that he's a very good friend.

"Andrej?..." I said looking at him as he closed his eyes and rested his head on the couch.

"Hmm?..."

"Thank you... Thank you very much." I smiled at him.

He opened his eyes and looked at me. He then smiled widely and nodded.

"Now go to sleep." He said and I close my eyes to continue my sleep.

I tried almost everything to go back to sleep. But nothing worked. I'm still awake, staring at the ceiling thinking about the man. Bad thoughts about him continue to swirl in my head. And it just makes my fear and nervousness to rage more and more.

I look at Andrej who sleeps peacefully on the floor beside me with his head resting against the couch. His chest contracts as he breathes and his brown locks fall flatly on his forehead, nearly covering his eyes that are shut softly.

I looked back at the ceiling and keep my gaze locked on it. I stayed like that for the whole night. I keep awake just staring in the darkness above me and listening to the ear-piercing sound of silence. I occasionally watch Andrej as he shifts and turns trying to find a better position. But mostly my gaze is locked on the ceiling and my mind is clouded by different kinds of thoughts and worries. All of a sudden, my mind reminded me of my Dad and my own house. I suddenly think about him and his possible situation for now.

I start to wonder how is he, what he could've been doing by now, if he's finding me, and other stuffs like that. Well not that I'm worrying, and also not that I don't have any care, but I'm not that eager or I don't think too much on finding out about him this time. Because in the first place, I wouldn't be here on where I am right now if it wasn't because of him. If only he didn't beat me up then I wouldn't be running away from our house. If I didn't run then I wouldn't be raped. And if I didn't get raped then I wouldn't be staying with Andrej right now. But I know it's not the right time to blame him. Maybe everything that just happened and is happening has a reason why they're occurring. And also it's not the time to think of that reason. It will only show that I'm torturing myself if I add that reason to my problems.

I sighed and closed my eyes. I'm really so tired right now but still my body doesn't want to rest. I've been trying to sleep for the rest of the night, but my mind doesn't let me to. This fear and paranoia is really fucking me up now!! It's really getting in my nerves!!! And hell to think I can't do anything to fight it! But I really do want this to stop right now. I just don't want to suffer any longer. I'm very, very fucked up now. So much fucked up. And I'm really desperate to have a rest and be peaceful for a while.