Be Mine

66

Caloy is drinking his sixth or seventh bottle of beer, he's not even sure anymore. He is sitting on the sand, staring at the sky before him, listening to the crashing of the angry waves. He can feel an incoming storm. All he wants is to forget everything that night, like every night for the past few months. He is hoping that getting drunk will lead him to dreaming about Catherine, his sister.

It's been six months since she died, five months since he got released from the hospital and four months since the doctors took out his leg and arm casts. During the whole six months, there's no one to blame but him and it breaks his heart that he wasn't able to see her sister before they laid her to rest. It breaks his whole being that they lost Catherine because of him.

Tears fell again from his eyes. He thought that there's no more tears to be shed, but every single night that he would be alone, the tears would always show up. He's tired of everything. He's tired of seeing his family sad. He's tired of the nightmares that he would see every time he goes to bed. The scene of crashing into that truck. The scene of his sister covered in blood on the side of the road. The voice of his sister that plays in his head – her last words are "Love you, Kuya."

From a silent cry, he is now sobbing. He wants Catherine back. He wants her happy and safe. She has a lot of dreams to fulfill. She is too young to be taken away from them and it's all his fault. If he didn't make that promise to her. If he didn't agree on driving to the hill. If only he didn't give in. If only something can take away his pain. If only he can be with her again for one more hug, for one more moment so he can apologize.

Caloy found himself finishing the beer in his hand and stood up. He looks like he was about to fall because he couldn't even walk straight anymore but he doesn't care. He can hear the waves calling him and he wants to join the ocean, letting himself go among the waves. The waves are the ones who listens to him. They know his pain and secrets. He believes that the waves can take it all away.

He walked until the water is waist-deep, letting the water envelope his whole body. He feels numb that he doesn't feel how cold the water is. The next thing he knows is that a big wave toppled him, the underwater current is whipping him around. He couldn't see anything, but his mind is flashing his sister's face before him.

I will see you soon, Catherine. Parating na si Kuya.

Caloy woke up with a throbbing headache. He checked where he is and is surprised that he is inside his own room. The last thing he remembered is he was at the beach the night before, trying to get drunk again, forgetting all the pain that is inside of him.

"Buti naman at gising ka na..."

He looked at the edge of his bed and found his mother, her face is having the same expression that he sees every time he gets drunk. She is angry, sad, and like him, in pain.

"Caloy... alam mo ba kung anong nangyari sa'yo kagabi?"

He closed his eyes and tried to remember everything, but it all goes back to the scene where he is just by the shore.

"Wala ho akong maalala. Nalasing ho ako ulit." He answers and he felt a part of the bed sunk.

"Hindi mo maalala na muntik ka na mamatay kagabi?"

That made him open his eyes and face his mother. He almost died? How did that happen? And how is he still alive?

His mother sighs. "Anak, ano ba ang ginagawa mo sa sarili mo? Hindi ka naman ganyan."

He doesn't know the answer to that. The past few months, his parents have been dealing with not just the loss of Catherine, but also with him. They had to take care of a semi-paralyzed son and he feels ashamed that he couldn't do anything about it.