If Only | Taegyu

thirty

Flashback pt.2

"What happened?!Beomgyu!!What did you do to Yoongi?!" their dad yelled as both of their parents arrived to Yoongi's room,seeing blood all over.

"It's a-all my f-fault,it's all my f-fault.I'm s-sorry." Beomgyu continued to cry hard.

His dad rushed to carry his brother and called the ambulance.Unfortunately,it was too late.

Beomgyu was traumatized.After his brother's wake,he locked himself in his room,crying endlessly.He wouldn't even go out to eat.His mother was dead worried but he didn't care.He only thought about his brother.

"I miss you hyung,I'm sorry.It's all my fault." were the only words that came out of Beomgyu's mouth.He cried himself to sleep while hugging his guitar,which was given by his brother.

Few weeks later,he finally got out of his room.He walked towards Yoongi's room,contemplating whether to enter or not.He decided to go inside.

The room was clean,as expected.His brother was known to be very organized.He noticed his brother's workspace,which consisted of two monitors,speakers,recording mic,and a lot of papers.He knew that his brother loved to write songs,he wanted to be a producer.

He then noticed something on top of the pile of papers,a letter.

'To: Kiddo'

He read the words that were written on the envelope and immediately tearing up.He then opened it and read the contents.

'Hey kiddo!It's your favorite hyung >-< I'm writing this because I don't think I can say this in front of you,lol! Okay I'll be serious right now.Thank you because you always got my back,thank you because you always defended me from mom and dad,thank you for being my best friend even though we're brothers lol! I don't think I could wish for any better brother except for you.Thank you kiddo,for everything.And...I'm sorry.I'm sorry for everything that I've done wrong to you.I'm sorry for fighting you sometimes over the tv,I'm sorry for not sharing you ice cream,and.... I'm sorry for leaving you.I know I promised you that I'll stay with you,but stuff happens.I'm sorry I couldn't stay strong for you,for the both of us.I'm sorry for not being your 'strong big brother'.Don't worry though,your Soobin-hyung promised me he'll take care of you.I trust him.Just tell me if he hurts you,I'll punish him:P please be happy kiddo,be happy even without me.I'm sorry again kiddo,I hope you'll forgive me.If only I was brave enough.If only I was strong enough,I would stay with you.Please forgive hyung,kiddo.I love you' 

 -coolest hyung Yoongi

Beomgyu's heart broke so hard when he finished reading the letter,he cried so much.He didn't know what to think about.

If only....

Those words.

Words of regret.

His brother lived in regret.

It broke his heart even more.

He tried moving on.He wanted to be happy.He wanted to be happy because that's what his brother wanted.Soobin paid more attention to Beomgyu and took care of him ever since.He acted like a true older brother.Beomgyu also met Seokjin,Yoongi's best friend.Seokjin also vowed to Yoongi on his wake that he would treat Beomgyu like his own brother.He was slowly getting better,but not really.

One night,the Choi family ate their dinner quietly.His dad broke the silence.

"Beomgyu,what grade did you get in your Chemistry?"

Beomgyu gulped.

"E-eighty n-nine."

"What?! I said you should only get ninety-five above!You fucking disappointment!" his dad yelled.

"Honey,calm down." His mom said calmly.

"How can I calm down?! He's gonna end up like his dead brother!A disgrace to our family!"

"Don't talk about Yoongi-hyung like that! You were the one who abused him! You were the one who hurt him!" Beomgyu blurted,eyes glossy but full of rage.

"He deserved that! If he didn't end up being a gay,then I wouldn't have done that! It's his fault!"

Beomgyu could only go to his room and cry.He thought of many things,like "Is it really wrong to love someone with the same gender?Did Yoongi hyung really deserved that?Is he really a disgrace to our family?"

At this point,he wasn't thinking straight.

tw: blood and self-harm

He opened his drawer and looked for something.

There we go.

A cutter.

His emotions overtook his actions.

He cut few several slits on his left arm,causing it to bleed so much.

It hurt.But it didn't hurt as much as his heart was hurting.

Surprisingly,it relieved him a bit.It felt good.

He also did it on his right arm.Slits all over on both of his arms.

Soon enough,he entered inside his bathroom and started to wash off the blood on his arms.He didn't want his parents to know that he did something like that.He started to wear long sleeves or jackets just to hide his scars.It also became his habit,to slit his arms whenever he feels frustrated by himself,or depressed.

He didn't tell anyone about his bad habit,not even Soobin or Jin.

He kept all the pain by himself. 

Well,now he has Taehyun.