Casual Sabotage

32 - What marriage means

Ian didn't sleep that night after he woke up from the nightmare. Whenever he closed his eyes, he could only see Dream-Mickey's tears, his desperate and helpless eyes. He could hear Mickey's voice "stop it, stop it, stop it" "I hate you" "'til death do us part"

Ian had the strong urge to cut off his own ears or to stab himself in the eyes with knives.

He missed Mickey incredibly much. He just wanted to have him back and he was about to just listen to Debbie and marry Mickey just for the sake of having him back.

But that wasn't what Mickey wanted, was it? He didn't want Ian to just marry him to please him, he wanted Ian to want to marry him. But did he?

Ian didn't know. He just didn't know. He knew he didn't want to lose Mickey, but he also couldn't get the nightmare out of his head. It was like a vision of what their married life could... or would be. He also had a weird feeling in the back of his head, like it wasn't the first time he dreamed it like he had dreamed those scenes over and over again over the last years and only now could remember it clearly enough.

He had never wanted to talk to his mother so badly as he did right now. He had considered talking to Frank about the whole "being married to a bipolar person" topic, but somehow Frank's take could only make it worse in which way ever.

Monica on the other hand... he didn't have any contact with her in years, she didn't even know about the disorder she gave to Ian. During the time he had to accept his disorder, he really needed her... but trying to get in contact with his bipolar mom while he tried to show his siblings and boyfriend that he wasn't like her probably wouldn't have been a great idea.

He wondered, what she would say to him, he also wondered whether she was still alive or not. Would she tell him to marry Mickey?

The last time he saw Monica was when he was a Teenager and had a crush on Mickey. Mickey had been in juvie and Monica and he talked about him and Monica said: "I heard about your boyfriend being locked away, tell me about him" and "I'm sorry you're hurting baby"

Mickey hadn't been his boyfriend then, but Monica didn't care "He will be one day, if you love him enough... or are good enough in bed" and then she had laughed. And she had been right.

Somehow, Ian felt like he knew Monica would tell him to marry Mickey, although she had never met him. Monica was always acting on impulse, no matter if she was manic or not, she did what she wanted. When Monica ran away from them, it was often when she was not manic or depressed – it was something Ian used to not understand. Why would she run away and abandon them when she was normal, when she was okay? Why would she use the time during which she could be a good mom to walk away from them but stayed and tortured them when she was sick?

Now Ian knew.

It was shame.

And it was also fear. It was many little things that let Ian think "Maybe I should just take my things and leave" multiple times over the last two years: The way his siblings looked at him sometimes, the way his boyfriend counted his pills, the sound the shrink's pen made on the paper of the notes, the conversations that suddenly stopped when he entered a room.

If it hadn't been for Mickey, Ian would have run away too.

But what did that mean? Did he stay because he felt guilty and like he owed Mickey? No, Monica should feel the same guilt – did she? Ian didn't know, he still couldn't understand some of her actions.

If the whole reason Ian stayed was Mickey and how much he loved him and how much he hated to disappoint him and let him down – did that mean Mickey meant more to him than this entire family ever meant to Monica? It definitely meant Mickey meant more to him than Frank meant to her – so would their relationship also be better and stronger than theirs? Wasn't it stronger already? Would it continue to be like this even if they took the same path his parents took and get married?