Casual Sabotage

33 - (This pain won't be for) Evermore

Ian was sitting in his car outside the building. He made a decision:
He would tell Mickey he wanted to marry him and he would ask him to wait. He would tell him he will marry him someday. For sure, surely, someday, one day he would marry him. Because he loved him. But not now.

Could he tell him that like this? Would it be enough for Mickey? Ian didn't know. He had a plan. He hated himself for having a plan. He didn't want it to be a plan and a trick but he didn't know what else to do.

So the plan was: Tell Mickey he wanted to marry him, to get him home, to get him back and then at home he would try to convince him to get married later and to not set a specific date. Just an "at some point" "one day." Maybe in two years, three years, five years ... but not now, he couldn't now. But he couldn't lose him either.

So he sat in his car in front of the building for about half an hour now. He had the feeling of being watched and he wondered if it were the homeless or the drug addicts looking at his car, waiting for him to make a move, planning to attack him, rob him – Ian didn't really care. He just wanted to go to Mickey.

He sat in that car and he was afraid. Because, essentially, he had a plan and that plan was a trick and it was a lie and there was no honesty in what he was about to do. It was another lie about the proposal and it could go horribly wrong. Mickey could find out and then there wouldn't be another ultimatum, there wouldn't be another chance, there wouldn't be another expiration day. There would just be Mickey leaving.

And Mickey would marry someone else. And Ian would never be happy again.

Ian looked at the building. Their building. The place that used to symbolize so much happiness and now it was horrible, it was an abandoned building with holes and unsafe staircases, loose stones, pillars about to collapse, signs of a fire and drug addicts lying across the floor. People died there probably and he wondered if cannibalism was going on. It was just a thought that came to him. They were so far away from food supply and other people, people would probably die here. Was there cannibalism going on here? Was there cannibalism going on in the place that used to be holy to him and Mickey?

Mickey.

There he was. He stood by the window – well, the hole in the wall that was supposed to and once used to be a window – Ian looked at him, Mickey was watching him in the car. He probably wondered, if Ian would get out of the car or if he would just drive off again. Maybe Mickey thought that low of them now: Ian wouldn't even get out and tell him about his decision, he would just drive off and Mickey would take that as his answer.

He didn't want Mickey to think like that, to feel like that, so Ian quickly got out of the car when he saw him and he stopped again. He looked around, took a deep breath and then he went to the building.

He went inside into the room where they used to spend so many hours in. Mickey still stood by the window not even trying to hide the fact that he was watching him.

"So, you're here", Mickey was the first one to speak.
Ian didn't say anything at all, he just nodded.
"So you made your decision."
Ian didn't nod now, he just looked at him.

He was sleeping in this dump for like three days, was drunk the entire time, no showers, he probably smelled disgusting. Did he even change his clothes? Ian wondered if the stains on his shirt came from cannibalism.

And yet, Mickey seemed like the most beautiful man to him. So beautiful, not even just because of his looks – though he looked very hot to Ian, he always did – no, it was just Mickey, what he symbolized, what he made Ian feel inside, that was beautiful. The feeling Ian got when he was in his presence: The feeling of safety, the feeling of being loved, of being taken care of. That was beautiful and Ian loved it. Ian loved Mickey for making him feel this way.