The Moon's Redamancy In Fall [Tsukishima x Yamaguchi]

sixteen.

Inspired by the song "Affection" by Cigarettes After Sex

❝I get mean when I'm drinking, but then again sometimes I get really sweet, so, what does it mean? If I tell you to go fuck yourself or if I say that you're beautiful to me. It's affection, always.❞

CW: MENTIONS OF SUICIDE/SELF HARM

Yamaguchi

The room was filled with nothing but Tsukki's soft sobs against my shoulder and the quiet pitch of leaves of the tree rustling just outside the window.

My chest tightened as I hear Tsukki's sobbing. It was the sound of a heart breaking. Hearts don't snap like brittle caramel or burst like an overfilled balloon.

A heart breaks in the heaving waves of a new disturbing reality that has arrived uninvited. The tears that were flowing from his brown, soft eyes dampened my shoulder.

My heart ached for him.

I have always looked up to Tsukki, and have always thought he was brave enough to face anything, everything. He had protected me from my bullies when we were young and I would always cling tight to him, as if I couldn't stand up to my own feet, following him around like a lost puppy.

He was someone I know who could conquer all,

Even his fears.

But I was wrong.

Comfortable hiding behind the mask that everyone thought who he was, could still breakdown and reach his limits. Tsukki grew up, not wanting to talk about himself, nonetheless, no one could ever read him easily. Behind all his snarky, sarcastic, rude remarks, he was also the softest person I have ever met.

From the faces came their true state, either as their 'good wolf' self or their 'evil wolf' self, their temporary polarity to the sunlight or the cold malice on display whether they knew it or not.

Tsukki's head hang low, as he continued wiping off the tears from his cheeks rapidly, his breathing rigid and tears streaming down his cheeks, his whole face was red, as his glasses were already slipping off. His upper body and shoulders wrack with every sob that forces their way out, chest rising and falling unevenly as he gasps for breath, and he squeezes his eyes shut, balling his hands into fists.

Gut-wrenching sobs that tore through his chest, I caressed the small of his back, stroking it into a slow pace, "It's okay . . ." I whispered over and over until his breathing settles.

The way he sobbed felt like it was his first time crying in so long. I was shocked, devastated, confused and broken. Tsukki have always been a dearest friend to me and seeing him like this gave me the unsettling feeling in my chest.

We stayed like that for a few more minutes until he had finally calmed down, he took off his glasses and rested his withering frame on me. Tsukki sat there, bleary-eyed, slumped down against me, his breathing even.

"Thank you," He breathed, his voice rasping, strained from crying.

I paused for a moment before speaking as I could feel the guilt creeping in, "Tsukki, I'm sorry . . ." My voice was tiny, quiet, even, "You don't have to tell me . . ."

Tsukki shook his head slowly, "It's fine," His tone was somber, gloomy and cold, "Let's just go to sleep," He sighed, before laying his body down on his bed with his body facing the wall.

At some point, I still wanted to know why his father's presence affected and bothered him so much but seeing him weep helplessly, masked with nothing but vulnerability, I might already have a hint.

He was facing against me, and I sat there, watching him for another minute before laying next to him. The room fell silent, and the howling of the wind from the outside could be heard. We were laying, as we faced the opposite directions.

"My dad left us ten years ago . . ." Tsukki's voice was cold, the coldness seeped into my innards like a freezing fog making it's way into my bones and wrapping around my brain like a wet blanket.

The room grew colder, as I hugged my sides even tighter, to keep myself warm. I did not reply and waited for Tsukki to speak more.

Please do. I'm here. I'm listening.

I hear him intaking a breath and letting it out rapidly, "My mom almost killed herself because of that," He muttered, his voice growing lazy and quiet.

My stomach drops from the information, I blink and breathe slowly, I wanted to see his face . . . hug him and tell him everything will be fine over and over until he's sound asleep.

"I . . ." He breathe, hesitant, "When I was around nine, I found her with deep wounds, blood everywhere, on her arms and on the floor of the bathroom, with scattered god knows what kind of pills she took," He continued, his voice husky and brittled.

I could feel the lump in my throat as I visioned the unwanted image in my mind of Kaori-san attempting suicide. I tried fighting back my tears but just let it subside, covering my mouth to stifle the gasping. Even I couldn't bear hearing it. What more of discovering your own mother almost at the edge of death right before your eyes.

I turned my body on his direction and just gazed at the nape of his neck, his breathing slow and controlled. He sounded way too calm telling his story to me. As if he had recalled it for so many times, he got used to it.

This boy was just as broken as a shattered glass and nobody even knows it but himself.

He let out a shaky breath, "I was so scared, I didn't know what to do,"

I silently wiped off the tears that were cascading down at the side of my eyes, wetting the pillow, "Tsukki . . ." I placed my hand on his arm, grazing on  it slowly.

I may not know what pain he had been through, but seeing him like this sums it all.

"I was yelling, crying hysterically calling out for Akiteru," His voice was tonless but suddenly, it drastically changed into a throaty tone, brittled as if he was close to crying.

"I thought she was already dead. I dove in with her, hugging her, I didn't care if I had blood all over me, but I was just so desperate for her to wake up," He shivered, his shoulders shaking, as I realized that he had been crying, his voice thick with emotions.

My arms snaked its way on his waist, hugging him tight, the tightest hug I would be giving him after for so long. Just as the first bite of cold wind creeps under Tsukki's shirt, my hand moves around his middle, warm and soft. In seconds Tsukki's body is moulded to my own, sharing his body heat as easily as he shares his heart.

I pulled Tsukki close, despite the heaviness in my stomach, it fluttered at the feeling of his body pressed against mine. Tsukki sunk into the warmth of my side, appreciative of the simple gesture. 

It felt like we were kids all over again.

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