The Moon's Redamancy In Fall [Tsukishima x Yamaguchi]

fourty-two.

Tsukishima

"Tsukishima-san!" A familiar voice from behind approaches me, I felt something in me churned, peering over, I saw Yachi striding towards me with a  smile plastered across her face.

I felt myself swallow, making my knees weak - I was  nervous. I studied her face but she doesn't seem angry or sad.

Ah, shit. So, this is what guilt feels like. It doesn't sit right with me. It wouldn't have been my entire fault if Yamaguchi didn't kiss me, but I didn't have time to point fingers, honestly, having to lie to anyone isn't my specialty at all.

The guilt sat not on my chest but inside my brain. What I had done couldn't un-do. I could make amends in subtle ways, but confession was out of the question, even to any fucking priest.

Yachi ran to me as I waited for her to catch up, "Morning," I quietly said, the word hardly came out of my mouth, almost whispering it to myself.

As always, Yachi had that cheerful response, "Good morning, Tsukishima-san!" No wonder why Yamaguchi liked her so much. But why would he kiss me?

I knew I'd done something pretty awful when I had to work so hard to justify it in my head. The more demanding the reparations my subconscious required, the worse I knew it was.

"Have you seen Tadashi-kun?" She asked, gripping her bag straps by her side, her eyes still glancing around the campus.

I shrugged my shoulders nonchalantly, as I tried to surpress that weird panic feeling that's forming in my stomach, propelling like an angry ball, "Nope," I mumbled, averting my eyes off of her and walking away. Please walk the other way, Yachi.

Yachi walked beside me and still held that smile on her face, "That's weird. Tadashi-kun would've been here ten minutes before the bell rings," She remarked.

Let's not talk about him. Please. Please. Please.

I didn't respond and kept my mouth tightly shut, Yachi peered over me and smiled again, "Well, then, I guess I'll see him after class, he might have been late. Say 'hi' to Tadashi-kun for me, Tsukishima-san!" Yachi ran towards her group of friends as she waved at me.

I waved back, but it took me a while to notice that I was doing it mentally and I completely ignored her the entire time.

When I entered the classroom, the Christmas decorations were all around. We did a pretty good job.

Suzuki-senpai was already on the teacher's table, when she took notice of my presence, "Oh, Tsukishima-kun! Have you seen Yamaguchi-kun?"

God, why do you always look for him to me.

I shook my head slowly, as I frowned a bit, Suzuki-senpai shrugged it off and was immediately replaced with a smile, "You and Yamaguchi-kun did very good putting up the decorations," She praised.

I shrugged my shoulders nonchalantly, again, fixing my sliding glasses up my nose bridge, "It's not much of a big deal," I muttered.

I stared down the teacher's table as the memories slammed right in me like a train, the memories come with a cost, as addictive as they feel, once lessons are learnt there is nothing in them of value.

Yamaguchi's moans and grunts replayed in my mind, as the whole scenario was on repeat as if it was a film uncut in my brain, the way he shook so violently against me as he came all over my hands, damn, it had to be in my mind first thing in the morning.

"Tsukishima-kun, please take your seat, you've been standing there for five minutes, now," Suzuki-senpai almost caught me off guard with her voice interrupting my thoughts, gesturing me to take a seat.

I blinked and shifted to where I stood, "Oh . . . Sorry," I mumbled, striding across the room to take my seat, but before I do, I peered over Yamaguchi's seat and he wasn't there, classes were about to start.

"Good morning, everyone! For today's lesson . . ."

Suzuki-senpai's voice started to fade in my ears as I stared through the window. Where could Yamaguchi be?  Is he going to push me away, again? Whatever he's up to right now, I hope he's okay.

Sometimes, I wouldn't get him at all, he would come right back at me and then push me away. It's like what he did when we kissed for the first time back at home, I didn't bother to run after him, begged him for a reason why he did that, but now, I needed explanation.

It was clear as day that he longed for me, too, but why would he deny that? When love is given in this way, immediate, no explanations, the trust arrives too. Perhaps that is why people advise caution or call it foolish, but to me it never is. Love is love.

I didn't expect love to be this fucking confusing. But when I was with Yamaguchi everything seemed so easy, for that embrace from him, I felt my worries loose their keen sting and my optimism raise its head from the dirt.

Perhaps the hope had been there all along.

What is that borderline that kept us away from each other?

But whatever it is, I didn't want to think about it too much because it gets more frustrating the more I thought about, especially that my mother had confessed about something last night.

The desire to hear the explanation that I needed from Yamaguchi kept growing because in each passing time, questions after questions were made in my head.

What does he feel towards me?