The Moon's Redamancy In Fall [Tsukishima x Yamaguchi]

sixty-three.

Tsukishima

"I don't see the point of asking me about my dad," I sighed as I placed the fabric on top of Tadashi's head and sliding it down to dress him up in one of my shirt.

Tadashi's lower lip juts into a pout and frowned, "Why not?" He asked, studying my face.

I rolled my eyes and pulled my sweats up. I'm exhausted. But I knew Tadashi wouldn't give up the argument. I wanted to drop the conversation about my dad because surely I won't be able to keep it to myself any longer if Tadashi would be stubborn about knowing it.

I huffed, "Just because," I abruptly paused, nodding my head.

"It wouldn't hurt to know why," He pushed, his round, green eyes blinking slowly, giving me the puppy eyes.

Damn it. If I wasn't so exhausted I would've fucked him all over again, right now. I ran my fingers through my hair and pulled on it gently.

I groaned and propped my bare frame down my bed, "Because . . ." I trailed, as I searched for the right words to tell him. I can't tell him about it. I can't. "Because I thought you were right all long . . . that maybe giving him another chance wouldn't be that bad,"

I hope he buys it.

Tadashi's face lits up and his eyes sparkled, "A change of heart?" He asked, the corners of his lips quirking into a grin.

I averted my eyes and stared over my ceiling, swallowing the huge lump in my throat. I couldn't look at him straight in the eyes knowing that I would just sugarcoat shit. With all those white lies, I couldn't bare seeing his enthusiastic response.

But I couldn't. Because if told him, he would push me away. I know he will. Or worst. He'd probably ruin his future if he knew about it.

I nodded my head before meeting his eyes to give him a small smile. Tadashi's smile that had been tugging by the corners of his lips burst into a wide grin, almost lighting up the whole, dark, chilly room.

Leaning over to leave a peck over my lips, he giggled, sending that hint of euphoria through my veins by that calmly voice of him, "I'm proud of you," He whispered.

I wish I could be.

I pulled Tadashi in my arms, hugging him ever so tightly as I breathe his scent and sighing heavily. In the darkness our cuddles felt like a little touch of heaven, warm, together, cozy.

Tadashi took a deep breath from my bare chest and left feathery kisses on as his cheeks carressed against it, "D-Does this prove that we . . ." Tadashi trailed, pausing mid sentence, almost as if he was whispering.

I wait for him to continue as I gaze downward at him through my heavy lidded eyes, I took my glasses off and placed it on top of our pillows.

"Are we . . . together?" Tadashi hesitates, not meeting my eyes as he grew fidgety, too shy to even let his voice out fully.

Oh. Is he asking me if we're in a relationship?

I smiled to myself, kissing his forehead as I clenched him tighter, "What do you mean? We've always been together,"

Tadashi's eyes were shifty as he bit on his lower lip a little too hard, making it turn slightly white before speaking, "N-No . . . I mean, like b-boyfriends," He gave me a coy smile, tugging on his bottom lip.

"Do we have to?" I breathe.

Tadashi frowned, and looked down, "Oh . . ." He whispered.

I thought it was a hilarious idea to have to require in confirming things between us when we obviously do the same thing as someone who's officially dating. Although, I knew Tadashi needed assurance. For once, at least I'd be less of a dick.

"Oh, I mean, yes. I could ask you right now to be my boyfriend," I grinned, squeezing him tighter.

Tadashi cocked his head, with his eyes sparkling with enthusiasm, "Of course!" He exclaimed, his bright face making his freckles popped out of his reddening cheeks.

God, he's so cute.

I hummed in approval and closed my eyes, leaning my chin over his head, "I'll take you out on a date tomorrow if you'll let me sleep," I tell him.

Tadashi squirmed from my grip, whining from me clinging unto him too tight, "Tsukki! I can't breathe!" He complains.

I chuckled and loosened my arms a little, "I love you so much, Tadashi . . ." I whispered.

He wrapped his arms on my torso, clenching me, he cooed, "I love you, Kei."

Tadashi's voice came out a little too quiet, sullen, even. I had the urge to ask him, "Are you okay?" I ran my fingers through his hair that I always thought that he needed a haircut, but I always liked him with his long hair that's slightly brushing his ears. I thought he looked cute as hell. Plus perks for hair pulling during sex.

"Yeah . . ." He breathes, "I just . . . I don't know,"

I didn't speak as I waited for him to speak more.

"I'm scared that what if one day we'd lose each other?"

I felt my heart sunk down to my stomach, the lump in my throat growing hard to even swallow. That melancholy feeling is like the book of what hurts you and it takes courage to read pages inked in your own tears.

"We won't . . ." I whispered, trying my best not to sob.

Tadashi didn't reply and nodded his head, slowly. I didn't want to talk about this anymore so I hoped he won't bring it up longer. The room fell silent, our slow, shared breathing and hearts beating were the only sound I could hear.

"Don't look so sad." I poke Tadashi's nose and held him closer, brushing a strand of his dark green hair away from his face.

He sniffs dejectedly and buries his face in my chest. "Let's listen to music," I sat up and plugged my earphones on and join him back on the bed, I gave him the other earplug as I plugged in mine.

Tadashi eagerly wraps his arms around my waist, once again burying his head in my chest.

"Isn't this better?" I ask by the start of the song. I look down and see that he was half asleep, his eyes opening at my question. He barely nods, his eyes slipping closed.

This isn't any better.

I wish I could extend the night just so I could stay close to Tadashi for longer, safe in his embrace. His arms wrapped right around my torso and his face nonchalantly buried on my chest brought peace I've never known before, a calming of the storms in my heart.

Despite all these secrets that bore in me that neither I couldn't tell because I was shitless scared that I'd lose him.

I think it's Tadashi that gave me hope for the future. In his presence I start to believe that there is nothing out there to fear, that all there is sunshine, beautiful trees and kind people - friends to be.

But then what if he leaves? Often before the sun is fully risen in the sky and I must stand alone again, be my own person. I knew his cuddles are the only medicine I need, they are the light in the darkness, a lone star in an otherwise empty sky.

This heartbreak is a fucking grief that comes in waves, gruelling, stealing appetite and sleep alike. It is a shard in my guts that never leaves, though perhaps in time the edges will dull. It feels like death just the same as bereavement and in quiet moments it chokes the breath from my body and short circuits my mind. 

It was unexpected, as they always are - top of the world one minute and cut down the next. My cheeks became wet with tears. Funny. I hadn't noticed I was crying. Trying to ignore the cold temperature of the room against my sodden cheeks, I took a deep breath and hugged Tadashi. Melancholic waves commanded my body to halt, to stop wanting, to stop breathing, to just . . .

Stop.

I thought I'd share these moments with him.

Even if there is so little time left.