The Moon's Redamancy In Fall [Tsukishima x Yamaguchi]

fifty-two.

Yamaguchi

9:34 pm

I was laying on my bed and had been pacing out for a couple of hours now, pondering and contemplating on my bed since I got home. I haven't ate my dinner because obviously, I didn't want to interact with my mom. I stared over my ceiling for god knows how long until I felt the tears stinging my eyes.

I've hurt Yachi-san and I couldn't seem to shrug off that regret in my chest. I was steeped in guilt. Guilt is that suffocating, heavy feeling in your chest, something as a mix of sorrow, anxiety, shame, and an intense desire to make amends with Yachi-san.

I tend to dwell a lot on figuring out how to best do that, but then if I did, she would never hesitate to forgive me and even tell me that neither all of it wasn't my fault. I want to hurt myself, too, to take away Yachi-san's pain and just put it at rest because she didn't deserve what she went through because of me.

My stomach turns and I feel like I can't breathe. I keep thinking of how I should've done things differently.

It's like being stuck in a room and then the walls get closer until I'm stuck in a box. I try not to engulf it but I couldn't seem to shrug it off of my brain.

Why didn't I tell Yachi-san sooner?

Why did I let her figure it all out?

I closed my eyes and sniffled, I was at the verge of tears when I felt my throat tightened, questions of guilt started to pour down from my head like endless waterfalls.

Why do I like . . . boys?

And then I automatically placed both my arms on top of my eyes, sobbing. As more tears came, more thoughts whirled through my head.

It was nearly most about Tsukki.

I rapidly wiped off the tears and sat up. I'm hungry. But I don't want to go down to see my mom, surely she would ask me about Yachi-san and the last thing I want to talk about today is her. It would be embarrassing for me to break down in front of my mother.

I sighed and paced my room, my eyes wandering by the desk with my scattered unfinished paperworks and homeworks. God. The sight of my unfinished school works were enough to make me breakdown again, knowing that I wouldn't have anyone to help me with my assignments, I'm sure enough that Tsukki hates me from pushing him away. Thrice.

Usually, when I had difficulty in doing my school works, Tsukki would always help me out. Especially in Literature and Mathematics. I've always thought he was so good at those subjects but he kept denying it and that it was all just stock knowledge.

He would sometimes get mad and annoyed that I can't do "basic" math but would help me out anyways. I always tell him that his "basic" math was beyond my standards and IQ.

It took me a moment to realize that my thoughts were already swirling around Tsukki. And that I miss him. I miss the old times when everything was just as normal of us being normal friends without touching and kissing. I miss him so much. I wonder if he hates me now? Should I even give him a call or maybe a text message?

Perhaps I shouldn't.

I slumped down by the chair in front of my desk as I scroll through the gallery of my phone, I started to delete pictures of Yachi-san and I but then decided to leave one picture of us. It was my favorite picture when Yachi-san and I were still friends.

Sinking further down my seat, I scrolled more in my inbox messages and placed my head over my desk before groaning to peer over my conversation with Tsukki. I never answered one of texts, yet. I wonder if he's still awake?

Maybe I should ask him about our homework. But then again, I just can't ask him for help after pushing him away a while ago from the kiss. Ugh. I hate this. I quickly turned off my phone before I do things I'd probably regret and all of a sudden, my phone started to ring, vibrating against my wooden desk.

I felt like my heart just jumped out of my rib cage when I saw Tsukki's name on the caller ID.

Am I freaking dreaming?

I stared at the screen blankly, wondering if he just accidentally dialed my phone number. I let it ring for a few seconds and hastily took my phone in my hand, excitedly and with full of anticipation, answering his call.

I cleared my throat before I speak to surpress the excitement in my voice, "Tsukki?" I bemused as I grew more curious.

I hear Tsukki sigh on the other line, "Fucking finally," He said, sounding a bit surprised that I actually answered his call, he sounded amused. He didn't sound mad.

To my relief, I sighed too. But mentally, "W-Why'd you call?" My voice coming out as a stutter as I started to fiddle and play with my pens that were scattered on the desk.

Tsukki didn't speak for a few seconds, "Um . . ."

I blinked and chewed on my inner cheek as I grew more fidgety, "U-Uh, I'm sorry about earlier . . . I just-"

He cut me off too quickly, "No, no it's okay," Tsukki sighed, almost as if he was chuckling.

What the hell is this boy up to?

"Okay, so here's the thing," He muttered through the phone. I could hear the loud howling of the wind through the other line.

Wait, where the hell is he even?

I waited for him to speak again, I hear him chuckle, making my chest flutter by the way his deep voice still rasping through the call, "C-Can you . . ." He trailed, he was obviously cold as he started to heave deep sigh from the other line.

"Can you look over the window?"

No way.