What Should Have Been From The Beginning

Never Look Back

Derek had been on the computer for nearly 3 hours now and I was so confused why it took him so long to book flights and a hotel. I had been upstairs packing and contacting people in Florida to basically quit the intern programme and sell my apartment. Derek and I were having a new beginning and I knew there was no chance in hell we'd be moving to Florida. He had a perfectly stable job here and he enjoyed his surroundings. The ferry boat rides he would take every day put him in a good mood and the sight from the helipad on top of the hospital was practically his second home. I was my time to be selfless and do something for him for once after everything he had done for me and plus it meant I could stay and still see all of my friends. The only problems being, I didn't have a job and Mei would still be around. I was bound to bump into her at some point. I came down the stairs, concerned about how long Derek was actually taking to book a holiday. He was silent and even a pin drop could have been heard from the quietness of the house. I thought he had left and not said anything. I was worried he had regretted what he had done. Every thought was frantically running through my mind and I don't know why. He had been clear that he wanted this through just the kiss we had once he found me. I held my breathe as I walked down the last step of the stairs and peered into the room. He wasn't there. My heart started racing but before  could get myself worked up about his non-existence in my house, I decided to check everywhere else. The living room had no presence of him. The kitchen was empty and every room in the house was unoccupied. I stood in the centre of the living room, contemplating his thoughts and whether or not I was overreacting by feeling this way. I walked into the hallway and looked for his jacket hung up and I saw nothing. Until I looked down and say a small piece of paper placed under a single white rose. My eyes lit up as I picked up the note and began to read.

Meredith, I didn't want to wake you. You must have fallen asleep after you finished packing and you just looked so peaceful. I wanted to crawl right up next to you and swaddle you in my arms but I needed to go out and get something for you. You're not allowed it until we arrive in Italy, which is all booked and ready to go. I'm getting my things from Jennifer's whilst I'm out and then I don't have to look back. When I get home, I have something planned for us so please wear that Dartmouth t-shirt you look so good in and something comfy on your bottom half. I love you, Derek.

His note reassured me that we were in the right place yet I wanted to know one, what he had planned for tonight and two, what I had to wait until Italy for. Maybe it was payback for making him wait until Italy for us to have sex but either way I was excited for our time away. 

I made my way to the office, wanting to have a look at flight times and where we were staying and as I opened up the computer, I saw what I wasn't meant to see. I have opened up on the wrong tab and my heart dropped. I began to shake and feel every emotion flow through my body. He probably didn't want me to see what I just did I thought so I exited the page very quickly hoping to forget about what I had just seen. The rest of the time that I tried to occupy myself and un-see what I had seen but as hard as I tried, I couldn't help but focus back to that tab and what was on it. Is that where he had been? Was he actually wanting to hide it from me? Or did he leave the tab open on purpose? 

I had been so overwhelmed by what the day had brought and it was only 6pm. I had no idea how long Derek had been out for but I opened to note at 3:30 pm so he had to have been at least 3 hours already. In a way wasn't worried because I knew he had plenty to do but then I couldn't stop thinking that he wasn't coming back. I wasn't one to think like this. I let what happened happen and I didn't overthink things like these but the thought of me not being with him made me feel sick and maybe it was because I had let go once before and nearly lost him for forever. I checked my phone to see if I had any messaged from him regarding how long he would be out for but then I remembered I didn't have his number in my phone anymore. I tried to calm my thoughts and poured myself a shot of tequila. That was something I knew I could rely on to make me feel like Meredith Grey again. I slammed the glass down on the counter, as I did I heard the door open and I immediately swung my head in the direction of the door and ran to see if he was home. I needed this to be him because I was in my thoughts too much now and couldn't handle the clingy, desperate Meredith on my own anymore. I saw the figure stood in the door way. His muscles were defined and were visible through his jacket and shirt. He had changed out of a tux into some blue baggy jeans, a brown V-neck sweater with an unbuttoned white shirt peeking through the V. His collar balanced the most perfect hair and his jacket was a dusty brown blazer. he looked perfect, handsome, so put together. I asked him,

'Why do you look so good and well dressed and I look like this?' He laughed at me, lovingly and placed down a bag on the unit beside the door. He walked towards me , wrapping one of his arms around my wait and the other cupped my cheek. He left a kiss on my lips and rubbed my cheek with his thumb.

'Because I have to make an effort to look good and you just look amazing in anything. Comfort is key, especially tonight.' He replied back to me, answering my question. He brought the hand from my face, up and ran his fingers through my hair causing me to lean my head back and feel another kiss on my lips. This time much more passionate and much longer.