What Should Have Been From The Beginning

I Want's Don't Get

DEREK'S POV

Her words broke my heart and made me whole altogether. The fact that we had a baby but was no more and the fact that she wanted to be a mother so much, made me warm. Mixed emotions were running high in this moment. I was fearing for my fiancé, and if I could have taken the pain from her both mentally and physically, without a thought I would have. I knew that after everything she had already been through, coming back from a miscarriage was going to one hell of a journey and it was going to take her a while to carry on our future together. One thing I was certain of was that, in no way was I ever going to leave her side or leave her to do any of this alone.

'I want a baby.' Those words ran over my mind every second, repeatedly one after another and all I could think of when they did, was watching Meredith with our child, holding them to her bare skin after giving birth. I watched their tiny, petite fingers grab onto a single one of Meredith's whilst she kissed their forehead so gently and with indescribable amounts of affection. But bringing myself back into the real world of pain, trauma, guilt and tragedy, all my images slowly disappeared when I looked at her frail body, weeping and shaking vigoursly as her body naturally adapted to the trauma it was experiencing. Her hand tightened around my knuckles as she peered into my eyes. Her face was streamed with tears and showed nothing but heartbreak. She reached for my neck and cradled her hand around the back of it. She used whatever strength she had to pull me closer to her and still with uncontrollable shivers our lips met and she held me to her for a while. The skin of each of our lips collided and I instantaneously felt her relax and release any tension she held. As we parted, her hand remained around the back of my neck and she repeated the words she had once said. 

'Derek, I want a baby.' When she whimpered to me, I noticed her hand squeeze her stomach even tighter than it already was and her fingers spread apart to cover as much of what had been the baby's safety. As her stomach cramped she contracted her body and crunched up, squinting and squirming from the uncomfortable feeling. I placed my arm across her chest and laid my palm on her shoulder as she went on to still feel discomfort. Her head rested back down on the pillow and next minute we were joined once again by the doctors who came to aid for Meredith. 

*** 2 Hours Later ***

Meredith had been cared for in every way she could have been. She had fresh clothes on to keep her warm and comfortable. She had been cleaned up and examined to the extent she could have been and to put her out of any pain, she had been dosed up with many units of pain medication that made her out of it. After I revealed to the doctors that she also hadn't slept for about 72 hours, they gave her light sedatives which thankfully made her fall asleep. We were given a room to stay in for the night and once I knew for definite she was asleep, after stroking her hair back and watching her fall asleep, I took a minute outside of her company to get some coffee for Cristina and I. Cristina hadn't left Meredith's side since she was admitted. Not once. She held Meredith's other hand the whole time and didn't close her eyes to rest at all.

I was met by Bailey as I stepped out of Meredith's room, who just provided a sorrowful expression toward me. Bailey didn't appreciate Meredith and I's relationship and she still had no idea that we were engaged, so I assumed the revelation of Meredith being pregnant with my child, didn't impress her at all. Yet she still offered her sympathy.

'How far along was she?' 

Looking through the window in her door, I replied. 'She was about 7 or 8 weeks I think. We were meant to have an ultrasound tomorrow.' 

The whole conversation I tried to hold back the tears, and just acknowledged the relief, that she was okay and hadn't died on me.

'We can get you a consultation to figure out why this happened if would like.' 

'I think I know why.' I took a huge breathe as I explained to Miranda what had happened the other night and watched her face drop in horror as I did. She was speechless and for her that was not often. She kept stuttering as she tried to find the words to comprehend the news she had just received. Bailey reached for my hand to offer comfort and commiseration and the only words she could find were what everyone else had already said to me, including Meredith. Nether the less, the compassion was appreciated and I headed back in to Meredith's side. 

*** Hours Later ***

After nothing but waiting and talking across the bed to Cristina, who had now explained to me what I hadn't seen, 7 sleepless hours had passed and the corridors were starting to fill up with members of the hospital and the public. It was 8am and Meredith started to stir from her sleep. Her fingers gently squeezed mine and then her eyes slowly opened to greet me. The beautiful, captivating, green eyes that I had fallen in love with the first time I saw them, warmed my heart but didn't show any emotion like they usually did. Meredith looked exhausted still and her face expressed a sombre feel. Neither of us spoke to each other but the first thing that Meredith said in the morning, was to Cristina and when she said it, I could see both the look of sadness and relief on Cristina's face. Probably because she was hurt a little that Meredith wanted her to leave but she was grateful because she was just as exhausted from being awake all night. 

'Can I have a minute with Derek alone?' 

'Yes, yes of course.' 

The door shut behind her and Meredith gazed at me again. 

'How are you feeling?' I stroked her hair out from her face and placed her bangs behind her ears. 

Her voice croaked 'I'm okay.' 

'Any pain?'

'Not anything major.'

A moment of silence fell between us and breaking it, I leant up and kissed her lips, the way we had before. As I pulled away, she spoke and what she said broke my heart into a million pieces.