What Should Have Been From The Beginning

Backfired

MEREDITH'S POV

The day was coming to an end and we had both completed everything we needed to. The fridge was stocked up along with plenty of snacks to grab when we came home from work. Derek's boxes were finally out of the hallway and everywhere had a home including him, even though he still had the trailer and whatever could fit in that tiny space was still there, the majority of his belonging were now in our home. I figured I should probably tell Cristina about me and Derek being engaged and I knew that she didn't finish her shift until 8pm anyways which would hopefully give me sometime in between to tell her. Derek was right. She was my person and I did want to tell her desperately.

We both got in the car, heading off to the hospital and we talked about the possibilities of the way the outcome of the day could be. We arrived shortly after and before we got out, I looked ahead out of the windscreen onto the hospital sign and took a deep breathe and then felt Derek's hand on my thigh. I turned my head to look at him and immediately connected with his eyes, like we always did. he squeezed my leg a little tighter, for reassurance and comfort as he began to speak.

'You'll be okay. Your on my service today so you can spend the whole day around me. We have a Posterior Fossa Decompression on a 26 year old so we'll be occupied for a bit. If you need anything, and I mean anything, come find me. I did this to you so I'll take the consequences. I love you.'

'You did nothing. You chose to be with me. I broke up the wedding so I'm the one who should get the blame.' I could tell now, by the look in his eyes, that he knew I was most certainly not looking forward to this shift.

'Yeah but if you didn't break up that wedding, I would be married to a woman who I don't love and still be kicking myself for not running away with you. You saved me Meredith. And we are getting married. Come on, let's go have fun.' He grabbed my hand now and kissed my knuckles. He smiled at my with his perfect teeth and dreamy eyes and then moved his lips from my hand to my lips. It lasted for the perfect time that a kiss for this reason should last, and it filled me with warmth and comfort. We both pulled away and I quickly leant forward to finish the fulfilling kiss with a small peck and flashed him a toothy smile.

'I love you.' He said, almost as if he was making sure I knew that, whilst moving my bangs out of my face and pulling my collar, on my coat, straight. We got out of the car individually but then walked extremely close to each other, side by side, up to the hospital where I stepped foot inside for the first time, not being the woman madly in love with an unavailable man. This time, the man was still unavailable to anyone but me. He rubbed my back and kissed my temple and we went our separate ways. Me to the lockers and him to the Chiefs office.

I got to the locker room and was greeted by no one until Cristina shortly after walked in, followed by Izzie.

Izzie greeted me with 'hey,' and Cristina the same.

'So, ready to be back?' Cristina asked.

I nervously replied, trying to hide the worry through my teeth. 'Yep. I am.'

I got a look from Cristina. A look that told me she knew I was worrying about possibly having to speak to Forbes. She rolled her eyes and took out a Nature Valley bar from her locker.

'Don't worry. Forbes isn't in.'

'He's not?' I hoped they would tell me he too had moved to a different hospital but that wasn't the case.

'No, he's got a day off.'

'He's never taken a day off.' I mentioned, curiously.

'Yeah well since you broke his tiny heart, he has. This is his 2nd day off.'

'When was his first?'

'The day after you left him.' I tried to work out why he'd be off today, that maybe there was a link.

'Does he know I'm back? He know I'm back.' I tilted my head now looking at them both who were glaring at me, insinuating that I was a crazy woman. 'Don't look at me like that, he's the coward for avoiding me.'

Izzie began to walk out but was stopped by Bailey who walked in and handed out her orders.

'Yang, finish up post-ops then you can go. Stevens, there's a man in room 2032 who needs his vitals doing then you can go too and Grey you're on Shepherd's service and you're scrubbing in on a PFD.' I nodded my head in agreement and lifted my head up from clipping on my pager to see Cristina giving me a death stare. Izzie walked out and before I could stop her, Cristina did too. I shouted from the down the hallways to try and get a minute with her alone but she purely ignored me. I ran after her, confused as to what I could have possibly done in the 5 minutes I had been with her, and reached her at the stairwell.

'You okay?'

'You know, how is it that we are all in here working our arses off from day one, never walking out on an internship and not screwing our attendings, and we still get treated like crap? But you can come waltzing in after having left the program, joking another, then flying off to Italy for a week to come back knowing a job is sat there waiting for you and then get to scrub in on a huge procedure with your lovey doves boyfriend giving you special treatment.'

'Woah woah, hold on. I didn't ask to scrub in or be on his service. I didn't even ask to have my job back.'

'No, exactly Meredith. You get everything done for you. You don't have to beg your way back in because the Chief ruined your life so he has to let you back in.' She walked off scoffing and not speaking another word to me.

I was pissed initially at the way she spoke to me and accused me but then after I had actually realised she was completely true, I sympathised with her. Now I was left feeling completely disheartened and left in a vast sea of loneliness. Even my person hated me at this point. This was definitely not the right time to tell her and I truthfully didn't know when that time was going to come.