What Should Have Been From The Beginning

It's Gonna Take Some Convincing

A murmur could be heard coming from the ultrasound machine and then as the probe scoped over the higher, left portion of my stomach, there it was. 

'You are indeed pregnant Meredith.' The words came from the paramedics mouth with such grace and hopefulness. I shut my eyes and squeezed them tightly, not knowing what emotions I felt but overwhelming hormones were taking over my body already. A single tear formed and slowly trickled down my cheek but was wiped away by Derek who had his lips pressed against my forehead and was squeezing my hand in his even tighter than before. 

'I'm just going to step outside for a minute and give you both some privacy for a second.' She could clearly see that the information that was now a reality, hadn't yet processed greatly.

I honestly didn't know what I wanted at this point. I felt that the haunting memories from this occurrence that had happened were only going to be with me everyday, when I woke up and saw that little baby's face every morning. Their face would hold the image of the time I didn't want to remember and the thought of it all happening whilst being pregnant with them only made the matter worse. I had no excitement in my soul anymore. I wasn't hopeful. I wasn't thinking about holding them in my arms. Except what I did know was that I wasn't ready to be a mother. More tears were now free flowing down the surface of my face and then I heard the crinkling of the protective paper that was laid on the bed I was on. Derek sat down in front of me on the edge of the bed and sat me up, wiping the tears from my face and then letting his hand remain on my cheek as a reassurance. I opened my glazed eyes to see his. His warming, crystal blue, sparkly eyes stared lovingly and excitedly into mine. 

'That's our baby in there Mer. Our baby. They might have my perfect hair and your mesmerising eyes. They are going to be perfect Meredith.' I think he was expecting a better reaction from me after that but when I started to speak his face dropped and his eyes saddened.

'I don't think I can do this. I know I can't do this.' 

'You're not going to have to do this alone. I'm going to be there every single step of the way.' Derek had perked up a little bit whilst trying to change my mind. 

'Derek. I'm going have to wake up to their face and remember that the only person I had with me when I had a gun to my head, was them. I'm going to have to wake up, to their innocent cheeks and remember that I found out I was pregnant with them, in an ambulance, covered by only a dressing gown and your jacket and after I had just been through an unimaginable amount of trauma. This is not how I wanted to do this.' I had continued to present tears and my voice was quivering whilst speaking to him. I realised that this was the first time I had openly spoke about what had happened and I didn't expect to be able to do it without stuttering or breaking down in tears. There was a long silence between Derek and I but then his head rose up from looking at the ground and I saw water form on his waterline. He pushed himself closer to me, making sure that I was still warm by pulling the blanket over my legs and took my palms over his knuckles. His lips met the tops of my hands and brought them up to his cheek where he pressed my skin against his. I could see the pain in his eyes and his bottom lip had fell from the top. He was hurting badly and I was certain that what I just said had done this. I knew that me telling him that I didn't want to have his baby was breaking his heart more and more every beat it made. Derek pulled my hands away from his face and rubbed my cheek with his thumb. As soon as he started speaking, even though we were in a topic of conversation that was serious and life-changing, I still felt comforted by his raspy voice and warmth immediately filled my veins when he spoke. 

DEREK'S POV

She was panicking. I could tell even though it wasn't completely visible and I knew her too well to not know that she was an overthinker. I couldn't even begin to imagine the pain she was feeling right now and I wasn't mad at her at all. How could I be? Even though I wasn't the one carrying our child, I understood, in a way, why she wouldn't want this. On one hand, I didn't want to pressure her or make her feel like I wasn't happy with her proposition, she had already been through enough and didn't need me on top of her, but on the other hand, I knew for a fact that she would never be alone in this chapter of our lives. I was certain that our love for each other would radiate and I would help her get through this. I didn't want anyone other than her, to carry my child, our child. She is my everything and whatever the outcome, I would love her forever.

'Meredith, when has anything in our lives, ever gone the way we wanted. When I first laid eyes on you in Mercy West, I knew right there and then that I was going to have a future with you. I knew that those green eyes were what I wanted to wake up to every morning, yet that didn't go to plan in the first place. We were with different people for too long, when we both knew we should have been together. And then we got hit by a car and both ended up in critical conditions. Now this and now we are pregnant. Not the way we wanted but it's real. You're never going to have to go through anything alone. I'm always going to be here. I love you and you love me and I love that little pear growing in your stomach.' 

When I had finished speaking, I noticed that she still didn't look coninced.