What Should Have Been From The Beginning

A Common Loss

MEREDITH'S POV

An hour had passed and I was finally discharged from the hospital since everything had calmed down. I was told to take everything easy so no heavy lifting, no intense activities which also meant no sex. I'm not sure that Derek was best impressed when we were reminded of that no-no but he was a doctor and even if he was a neurosurgeon, he knew the basics of what we were allowed to do and not to do. I had no doubt in my mind that I would be waited on hand and foot by him but I was discouraged by the fact that taking it easy meant I couldn't work. Thankfully it was only a week but at this point I felt like I had never been in an OR because I had been absent so much. Whilst my discharge forms were being signed and looked over, Derek hadn't left my side and kept asking, not enough to make me annoyed but enough for me to know he was scared, if I was ready to go home and was constantly checking if I was feeling any discomfort. 

I didn't want a wheelchair as much as Derek advised me to but eventually I got my way and he walked slowly with me to the car. His arm wrapped under mine to stabilise me and reassure me. The walk to the car felt like an eternity because of how slow we were taking things. Derek stood on my left side the whole time and his right arm was wrapped around my back. As soon as I felt that manly, familiar, comforting arm secure my body, everything relaxed internally and I felt home. I had never felt so calm, talking everything slowly, quite literally, and surrounded by the love he provided. Now the only thing that could make this feeling any more prominent, would be to actually be in the warmth of my own house. As we reached the elevator, I took a quick glance at Derek who was also looking at me the same way and we both smirked, knowing fine well what happens when we are left alone in an elevator. He raised his eyebrows at me and to stop him going any further, I reminded him that there was, 'no funny business, remember?' 

'So I can't even kiss you?' His face dropped but not in a sad way but more of a cheeky look, knowing that I could barely control myself around him just as much as he couldn't around me. 

'Oh you can kiss me. You just can't kiss me.' The elevator doors opened as I spoke and we continued to walk. Derek being Derek, made slight adjustments to his body, yearning for what he couldn't have but there was no hiding the fact, I wanted what I couldn't have too. For some reason, I just had all these feelings and emotions to launch myself on top of him. Maybe it was the drugs, the hormones, the heartache. 

'Ok well I'm gonna get one kiss in whilst I can.' He turned to me and placed his eyes directly in my view. They sparkled and lit up just like they did anytime we were together. My heart rate sped up as I felt his palm slide around my lower back and he used his strength to gently pull me in to his chest. My hand found his heart and rested on it whilst my leg felt felt his crotch meet me and remained there. Still being considerate of my state, he tilted his head to the side and brought our lips together, pushing my head towards his with his other hand as it was curved around the bottom of my neck. Although we had said 'no funny business', our tongues couldn't withhold the tension and they found each others but before things could escalate, the bell dinged and the doors open. Outside the doors was Cristina, who I hadn't actually seen in a short while. 

'Hey.' I said to her, surprised at her sudden appearance.

'Hi. I was just on my way to come see you.' 

'Oh well I got discharged, so we are heading home. But you can come around. Please, come around.' Derek gave me a death stare because just like I knew, he wanted more than he could have right now. I smiled cheekily at him, finding it quite funny that he was so desperate. 

'We could do with the distractions.' 

She agreed to come around when she finished her shift and as my best friend who could read my expressions whatever they were, she knew exactly what I was talking about when I said we needed distractions. We eventually arrived at the car in which Derek opened my door and helped me inside and then drove us home. The ride home was gentle and calming. My hand was in Derek's palm the entire time and our hands then rested on top of my thigh. Many loving and flirtatious looks were exchanged and many squirms on my behalf as a few uncomfortable feelings arose in my body. We pulled up to the house and Derek kept his hand tight on my back and we walked up to the front door which was unlocked and had been the whole night apparently. Thankfully, nobody had gotten in and taken anything or not that we knew of and as soon as we got in, I sat down on the sofa where Derek joined me. The silence filled the space between us and then I knew for a fact, just from the look his eyes perceived, that the conversation I dreaded, but knew was bound to happen and needed to happen, was about to start. Unexpectedly, I didn't feel mad because I genuinely just wanted to get it over with. 

'So we both know that miscarriages aren't uncommon in the first trimester but-' 

I stopped him there because I was certain he was either beating himself up about the truth and I just wanted to set him straight to get the conversation over and done with. 'Derek we both know why I miscarried. I wasn't eating enough. I hadn't slept. I was working intense shifts. I was under huge amounts of stress and then that happened. It wasn't yours or the babies fault- '

'It wasn't yours either so don't blame yourself.' He took my hands in his and held them in the space between us. 

'I had a nightmare and that's what woke me up last night. I just imagined how it could have been and I saw myself get shot and then I saw my blood. I felt this horrendous pain in my stomach and shot up next to Cristina and started screaming at her for you. There was blood all over me and the bed and then I don't remember anything from there until I saw you in the ER.' 

'Meredith, I'm so sorry.' I squinted in discomfort as I inched myself closer to him this time to comfort him because he was feeling so guilty, it was clear.

'No. No. It was not your fault. It was going to happen, and as much as I wanted you in that moment, I'm glad you weren't there to see me like that.' His eyes looked so sad and broken and my heart shattered for him. I cupped his cheeks in the palms of my hands and planted a delicate kiss on his lips.