What Should Have Been From The Beginning

Are You Ready?

'Are you honestly ready?' 'You're ready to have another child?' In between each question was a pause and within each pause was a sigh.

'Yes I feel fine. I know my body can handle it.'

'No Meredith, I mean you. Mentally do you think you're ready for another child?'

I was so confused by Derek at the moment and couldn't possibly understand why he was so hesitant and not jumping straight into the idea of sex. We were now stood in the doorway of the living room and he had leant up against the door frame, let his head fall onto the wood and had his arms crossed across his body. Before speaking again, I tried to read his expressions. He looked sad and worried. That's all I could take from his drooped eyes and the slight bite of the skin on his lip, which he did whenever he was upset. I stepped toward him now feeling sad that he was clearly not in the happiest of moods. I reached for his hands but for the first time, they didn't connect with his but I let mine rest on his crossed forearms, almost like handles.

'I want another baby, yes. The feeling I felt when I actually knew I was pregnant or even when we didn't know for sure, is one I want to feel again. I didn't feel alone because I had our baby in my stomach. When we got to the trailer that night and you were talking to the baby and you rested your head on my stomach, makes my heart wrench every time I think about it because I want that. I want to have a child and want to raise one with you.'

There was silence between us both as our eyes did what they did best and wandered through each other's brains. I showed a small smile on my face, thinking about what I had just said and how truthful it was. After about 10 seconds, there was no expression from Derek. Not happy. Not sad. Not anything at all. I let go of his arms, dropped my head and eyesight to the ground and felt this huge amount of guilt. Guilt that what I said sounded selfish and then the realisation that never once had Derek been allowed to cry or say his feelings. Everything in the past 3 weeks had been about me, none of it had been about Derek. Or us even. I felt a tear fall down the space in-between my nose and cheek. Now the urge for sex had definitely flew out of the window.

All of a sudden, I sensed a touch on my chin and found Derek lifting my head up with his thumb and index finger. His skin sent shivers throughout my whole body and immediately made me feel safe. I could always guarantee for him to do that. He was my safe place. His thumb moved from my chin to my cheek and caressed the side of my face. His head tilted to the side slightly and a tear dropped from his waterline. Nothing was said from either of us but he embraced me and held me in his arms. My heart was beating so fast and I could feel his, on my chest, beating at the same pace. Sobbing, he held me tighter than ever and I did the same back to him. My arms swaddled the muscle on his back and played with his head on the back of his head.

Now I realised he was hurting, as I felt his tears scroll across my shoulder. After minutes of hugging each other, we both pulled away and he cradled the back of my neck in his palm and kiss my lips intensely but in a way that brought him comfort and didn't promote any sexual urge.

'This was all I needed. I just needed you.' He said as he looked deep into my eyes.

'You needed to mourn and I'm so sorry for depriving you of that. I'm here for you and I love you. You know that right?'

'Of course I do. You never fail to show me.'

The night went on. It was quiet,  the mood was calm and there felt like there was a sort of peaceful presence in the room. The living room lights were dimmed and the TV screen brought a light into the room. We laid on the couch with each other and my head was in Dereks lap. He also insisted on playing with my hair which I never minded and without even realising, my finger made squiggles on his thigh. There were giggles made at the movie but apart from that, there wasn't any other emotions shown. It wasn't awkward or uncomfortable, if anything it was the most comfortable night we had had in a very long time. And even though we didn't speak to each other much during the night, we both we full on each other's love.

The movie finished and I rolled over in Derek's lap so that my head was facing the ceiling and I could see his eyes. I had my hands crossed across my stomach and Derek's was laid on top of mine, stroking across the top. With a soft, raspy voice, from not speaking in a while, I asked Derek,

'You okay?'

'I'm okay. Are you okay?'

'I'm okay.' I smiled back. He leant down to my face and kissed my softly on the forehead in which I closed my eyes at and took in his touch.

'Come on, let's go to bed.' That we did once we had locked the doors and turned off all the lights. Snuggled up under warm covers and Derek's arms, I heard a whisper down my ear. Something I didn't expect to hear came out of his mouth and filled my heart with so much warmth, it was overwhelming.

DEREK'S POV

'I want another baby now.'

'Like right now? Here? Tonight?'

'Not right now, we're both exhausted but very soon.' And with that, we ended our night in bed, together, on the highest of highs, and in a good place that we hadn't visited for a long minute.