What Should Have Been From The Beginning

Back To The Beginning

DEREK'S POV

'I want another baby Derek.' Now I was the one feeling extreme amounts of shock. Never did I think it would be this easy to persuade or have another baby with Meredith and after the initial happiness and joy, the sadness came and I realised that the trauma and overwhelming hormones were probably just overrunning her mind. In a few weeks she probably wouldn't want this at all and it was going to be a while before Meredith wanted to get pregnant again. Her words broke my heart because even though it had only been 7 or 8 weeks, having heard the heartbeat made everything so real and I hadn't yet even processed this loss to the extent I should have and I'm not sure Meredith had either. 

'What?' After thinking about what she had just said for a short moment, I wanted to make sure she wasn't actually delusional from all the medication and shock. 

'I want to have another child. With you. I want to see you be a daddy and I want to move forward with our life. We're constantly surrounded by these near-death clichés and I'm so over it.' 

MEREDITH'S POV

Every single time I saw his bright blue, sparkly eyes, in any moment, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. There had been so many signs that we shouldn't be together and this shouldn't work. First, a car crash where we both nearly died, then a close miss at a marriage with another woman, a gun held to my head and now a miscarriage. The universe had it's ways of making it pretty clear we shouldn't be but with every urge and feeling in my body, I knew I was exactly with who I was supposed to be with. Never in my life had I experienced the love I feel for this man, the heartache I feel when I'm apart from him, the sexual tension in the middle of a room full of people. And I had never been so certain that I was going to make sure my life would be spent with the man sat at my bedside. 

I told him I wanted another baby and as selfish and heartless it felt to say in that moment, I could hide the truth. I was so sick and tired of having loads and loads of set backs in our life and I thought the only way of getting over them was to take a leap instead of small steps. I had been uncertain in the being of this pregnancy but now every time I thought of Derek, looked at Derek or even felt his touch on my skin, I couldn't help but picture him holding our child close to his shirtless chest in a rocking chair, having their bonding time, whilst I showered and then would  joined them. I imagined sitting on Derek's lap as I held the baby in my arms and fed him or her and then I would feel soft kisses on the back of my shoulder as Derek watched over us both. I wanted him and us and them so badly that nothing else was even on my mind anymore. After all the trauma and shock, I had surprisingly forgotten about what had caused it in the first place.

His confused face and tone questioned my statement. I took his hand in mine and held it to my beating heart and began to cry when I expressed everything I wanted. 

'I want us and them. I want us to jump rather than walk and I know you probably think I'm selfish and heartless but all I want is for our life to start.' I couldn't get my breathe and never had I cried like I was. I put it down to both the hormones and the heartache I was feeling. 

Derek gazed deeply into my eyes like he did whenever we saw each other and immediately set my heart back to a normal rate when he leant up to kiss my cheek and calm me. His hand swept my hair off my face and curled around the back of my neck and head. His thumb stroked the skin where he had placed his lips previously and he spoke to me so close that every breathe he took, I could feel on my face. 

'We are going to have another baby. I promise. I will do whatever it takes to see you be a mother and hold our child in your arms.' 

He kissed my lips again and then continued to speak this time with his voice quivering less tha before.

'Meredith, everything that has happened to you, to us, has only made us stronger and as much as everything tries to tear us apart, there is no way in hell I'll let it. You're the love of my life and we will spend the rest of our lives together.' 

'I love you.' I told him and he repeated the same words back to me before we were interrupted by an OBGYN and Dr Bailey who had been there from the minute I arrived in the hospital. 

'Okay, Meredith, if it's okay with you, I'm going to do a small examination and then we can go through the options.' I knew exactly what the options were and I fell sick to my stomach thinking about them. 

Time passed and once the uncomfortable exam around my uterus had finished, our options were presented and thankfully, they were the best possible outcomes of this situation. As the doctor began to speak, out of the corner of my eye I could see Derek stare at my reaction whilst his hand tightened around mine.

'So, it does look like your miscarriage has finished, which is totally normal for a pregnancy at this stage. You might have a small amount of bleeding for a little while and some cramping in your lower abdomen but everything looks okay and I'm not concerned for your physical well-being.' I breathed a sigh of relief silently to myself so that the nobody in the room thought I was cold-hearted. But I truly was relieved. Derek knew and I knew that our baby was so loved, but I could too, see the relief in his face. His probably came more from the fact I was okay and not that we weren't pregnant anymore but any ounce of peace was appreciated. Once again we were alone together in the room, wandering in each other eyes. 

'You okay?' Derek asked me. I paused and took a minute to comprehend. 

'We're okay.'