What Should Have Been From The Beginning

Like a Habit

On my way, I realised that Cristina had no idea about the robbery and with all the anticipation of the baby news, I had completely forgotten to tell her or even call her last night. Nerves were running high again, whilst pacing to the nearest on-call room, and I really, truly did not know how I was going to tell her either pieces or the news. I didn't know how she would react or what she would say. Whether she'd be pissed at me for not telling either or whether she'd completely understand but with Cristina, there was no telling what she would do.

The door handle jolted down, I pushed it open with both hands and in I walked to be greeted by Cristina sat on the bed.

'Is everything okay?' She asked politely but obviously very confused.

'Yeah, no. Everything's fine. I think.'

'Okay? Well what's up?'

I sat down next to her and kept my hands in my pockets until I began to speak in which I then removed one hand and placed it subtly on top of my stomach, unaware as to if she'd actually noticed me do that.

'So basically-, actually before I start, you've got to promise me you'll tell me exactly what you're thinking after I tell you.'

'Right. I promise Mer. What is it?' Her face had now changed from an oblivious expression to a somewhat scared look and Cristina never showed fear. It was obvious that she hadn't seen me cradle my stomach so I continued, trying to calm my nerves.

'Well there's two things actually. Do you want the good or the bad?'

'Good. No. The bad. Any. Just hurry up!'

I took a deep breathe, in preparation of telling her the trauma I had gone through. 'So when I was in the hotel, after taking that test, I was waiting for Derek to finish his shift and arrive. And then there was this knock at the door, so I obviously went to answer it but it wasn't Derek. It was a man. In a black hood and black clothing. And he grabbed my arm so tight that I still have the bruises and he pushed me onto the bed. I wasn't wearing anything except a towel because I had just gotten out of the shower and I honestly thought that he was gonna rape me. And then he pulled out a gun and he held it to my head Cristina.' I stopped there trying to stop my voice from quivering and I don't know why but this time, everything felt so real. That I was telling someone other than Derek and that made everything exist all over again. Cristina was silent and in pure shock, I could tell. Her jaw dropped to the floor and when I looked her deep in the eyes hoping for some comfort, I only saw tears form in her waterline. For some reason, I got agitated initially by her needing to cry, when even I wasn't crying but then I came to the conclusion it was okay for her too. After just hearing the news that her best friend had been so close to death, it was okay for her to cry. I took my hand off my stomach and grabbed her hand quickly. Instead of being the one to be comforted, I was comforting her.

'No, you don't need to cry. I'm okay. They caught him and I'm okay. Cristina, I'm fine and you know what else,' I once again retreated my hand back to my tummy and then carried on. 'You're gonna be an auntie.'

Her focus immediately drew away from the previous revelation and I began to notice a youthful, small but visible smile across her face.

'You're pregnant?' She asked now an even bigger smile and she had redirected her eyes from looking in mine, to looking at my stomach where my palm was rested across.

'I'm pregnant.' I chuckled whilst dismissing the trauma and just wanting to never have to speak of it again. After many moments alone in my own head unfortunately, like in the hallway or in the bathroom, I told myself and kept telling myself that this was not what I wanted my life to be. Living in fear of what's around the corner was not what I wanted to think about every second of every day. I wanted to enjoy my pregnancy and my fiancé. I wanted to enjoy my best friend and my surgeries.

For the first time in forever, Cristina and I's chests met as she unexpectedly and quite shockingly, pulled me closer to her and hugged me. At first I was startled but seconds after the touch I held her in my arms, and felt her take a huge sigh.

'I'm so sorry Meredith.'

'I'm okay and the baby is okay as far as we are aware so that's all that's important.'

'Does Derek know?' We had now pulled apart from our once in each other's lifetime experience and both had grins across our faces.

'Yeah he knows. He knew before I did. Before it all happened I couldn't stop throwing up and I thought I had caught the stomach bug or something so I told Derek and he knew straight away. He's so excited. And last night he leant down to my stomach and whispered to the baby. The baby can't even hear yet so he was basically just talking to himself but it was cute.'

'How far along are you?' Questions were being fired at me left, right and centre but I really wasn't bothered because it meant she was happy for the both of us and she didn't care that it had happened so soon. Her being happy meant that a weight was lifted of my shoulders. She was my person and her blessing meant everything to me.

'About 7 weeks we think. I had to have an ultrasound in the ambulance just to check I was actually pregnant and the paramedic had thankfully trained in midwifery before she became a paramedic so she knew what she was talking about. She said about 7 or 8 weeks. So you can't tell anyone okay. Not Izzie or George or Alex. No one. There's only me, you and Derek that know.'

'Okay, I won't. I'm happy for you Mer. If you're happy, then I'm happy.'

I silently breathed a sigh of relief and we both got up and made our way back to the nurses station where I hoped Derek would still be. We hadn't been long which meant that when we finally retreated back to where I had previously been, my fiancé had remained where he was. Thankfully, the station had only Derek occupying it and as I met back up with him, I stopped beside his smell of to-die-for cologne when Cristina carried on walking past us both.

'Congratulations Daddy.' She spoke as she passed behind us both and smiled back us once we had turned around to see her.

'So, you told her?'

I kissed Derek on his lips quickly like a habit and swung back around to grab a pen from under the ledge, feeling smitten with everything that had happened today.