What Should Have Been From The Beginning

Selfishness and Selflessness

MEREDITH'S POV

The space went black and my eyes felt heavy. The silence became deafening and then I saw myself in a white towel, walking out the bathroom nervously awaiting the arrival of my fiancé. My arm reached out for the door as a sudden sound came upon the surface and a mortifying expression, implanted on my face. Shivers worked their way through my skin and bones and each touch from a man dressed in black, made me cringe. The impact of the mattress on the skin off my back, and the scrunching of the bed sheets against my towel, implemented an everlasting sensation on my body. The grab from his clammy, yet ice cold hand, made me flinch when our skin collided and then when a gun faced the centre of my eyebrows, my heart dropped, my mouth became dry, a lack of air was reaching my lungs, and the acknowledgement of my child, settling peacefully in my newly occupied womb, became a reality. My eyes shut and opened once more up until, I watched his index finger hug the trigger, I felt a flutter wander through my abdomen as I clenched my stomach, and then a ringing silenced any other thoughts in my head after seeing the trigger of the gun launch back and a bullet was fired. With my eyes still wide open, the last sight I had out of the corner of my eye, was my own blood dripping from down my forehead and it fell into my eye well. The end was here. The end of me. The end of the baby. The end of Derek. In the final moments, I wanted with every last breathe to scream my heart out.

'Cristina! Cristina! Get Derek! Now! Call Derek!' 

In absolute, certain terror, I abruptly woke from the terror. I placed my hand on my forehead and looked back at the palm of my hand, which didn't have any blood on it. The bedside lamps had been kept on and when I sat up in the bed and looked down, trying to catch my breathe, I screamed at Cristina. Blood covered my entire lower body. My pyjama pants. My duvet cover. The sheets on the bed. Blood surfaced my thighs and no pale skin was visible anymore. I crunched in excruciating pain and aches. My hands cradled my stomach and ended up drenched in my own blood. Removing myself from the bed and still screaming my lungs out at Cristina, I felt my insides turn cold and I started to shiver profusely. A numbness  took over me and all I could do was lay down. I couldn't hear anything. I couldn't see anything from the tears covering my vision. I couldn't feel anything not even pain now. 

***

Derek was the first thing I acknowledged as I was wheeled into the trauma room and my eyes instantly attached to him. For the first time in a time I had no idea of, I heard only Derek's voice whisper down my ear. Over all the monitors and the doctors talking amongst themselves, over all the hysteria and the questions being fired my way, I only heard Derek. 

'This is going to be okay. You're going to be okay.' He grabbed my hand that wasn't wrapped around my stomach and held it next to his cheek. His head laid next to mine on the pillow, except he wasn't laid next to me but instead was stood beside me, trying to comprehend what was happening. He lifted his head up and our eyes met. Ours shared the same texture and were glazed with a clear coating of tears. A single tear fell from his cheek onto the bedsheet. 

I knew what was happening as soon as I felt a sharp pain stab through my stomach. And the only part I dread the most was having to tell Derek that I had lost his baby. 

I pulled my arm up from my his hand and wrapped it around the back of his neck as I pulled him closer to me. I looked deep into his eyes and fell in love with him more than I thought I ever could. In a scene of so much disaster and pain, he brought me huge amounts of peace and serenity. 

'I'm so sorry.' I apologised to him with tears flowing independently across my skin. The whole room suddenly went silent and I felt all eyes were on me. Nobody was touching me except Derek. Nobody was asking me questions or talking about me. Everyone just stood in silence before they started dispersing out of the room one by one. Eventually, there was only me, Derek, Bailey, Webber and Cristina in the space. And soon after Cristina left my side as did the chief and Bailey left then after whispering to Derek about me.

'We've given her plenty of painkillers so she should be okay pain wise for a while. I'll give you both some time. I'm so sorry for your loss.' The whole time, I couldn't hear what she was saying as all my focus was on Derek still whilst I watched him distraught and in so much emotional pain. His eyes bled sadness and despair. The only words that processed through my brain were 'I'm so sorry for your loss.' 

I just thought of how I had done this. I hadn't eaten enough. I hadn't slept enough. I'd worked too much and put too much on myself. If I didn't leave him in the first place, after these 48 hours we had together whilst I was sick, then I wouldn't have had to find out he was marrying another person and take myself away to Florida. If I hadn't been so pathetic then we would be in a good place right now and I wouldn't have had to retake a test that took me to that hotel. I wouldn't have to be alone with a gun to my head. None of this would be happening. I wouldn't be having a miscarriage right now. I wouldn't be losing our baby. I wanted our life. I wanted to be married to him and have his children. I wanted to grow old and die in his arms at 110 years old. I wanted a life. 

Alone together only one thing was overpowering the rest of my thoughts and as selfish and indecent it was to think this right now, I said, softly and with a croaky voice, what was on my mind.

'I want a baby.'