Critiques 2 [CLOSED FOR CATCH UP]

#230 Bryan's Love Life

Bryan's Love Life by @PenelopeMagdalene

I liked the first paragraph and how you simultaneously gave us a description of the old and new Bryan. That worked well, and you were killing two birds with one stone!

Regarding this, though, maybe add some more specific descriptions like hair colour and physique because I didn't really get a full picture of Bryan. Make sure to keep the comparisons between both the old and new Bryan's though.

Good character building. I liked Bryan and all the back story.

There were many grammar and phrasing issues but these are mainly fixed with a grammar/spelling checker. Maybe it's worth getting Grammarly.

No need to add all the names of the friendship group. Too many names and it all just gets a little confusing.

Problems with tenses too. I think all your grammar related stuff can really only be fixed with someone going in and editing directly since there's so much.

I felt like I really got to know Katherine's character even though she was only mentioned through the eyes of Bryan.

The jump to thoughts about suicide at the beginning of chapter 2 I found too sudden. Build this up in chapter 1 so it's not so much of a surprise for the reader. Maybe..... Maybe even consider having the suicide bit at the beginning of the book so that the reader is absolutely certain on Bryan's state of mind.

Thoughts should be in italics.

To be perfectly honest I thought Sylvia's character was the most developed. Well done!

Some parts of the plot - especially near the end of chapter 3 - were rushed. Some whole parts were just summed up in a paragraph (like finding out Jem was cheating, for example). Really think about expanding on these scenes because I think they'd work really well if they were longer.

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