Telepathy Between Hearts by @purpleagua
With the first chapter, I really didn't understand what was going on, who any of the people were, etc. Maybe have more of an explanation to clear things up.
Commas before names.
Tense jumps were prominent. Stick to one.
The angel of death should be capitalised - so Angel of Death.
Comma splices can be fixed with a full stop or a semi colon.
More description would enhance the writing, and so would more showing and less telling.
The dialogue with the old man seemed a little forced.
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Critiques 2 [CLOSED FOR CATCH UP]
AléatoireCLOSED FOR CATCH UP Want some honest, un-sugarcoated, constructive feedback? Come on in! I would love to help you out! This is my second critique book and a direct continuation. Please refer to this one instead of the old one.
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