#228 Carnal Desires

16 1 1
                                    

Carnal Desires by @MistaRonJon

I found there were too many ellipses in the first part of the first poem. I get you're trying to drag out the lines and slow down the pace but you can achieve that with different techniques (longer vowels for instance).

I liked the flow from each part to the next. Good consistency.

The fact that this was poetry was very refreshing (I don't get to review a lot of it).

I felt you used a bit too many extravagant words. A few are fine, since you're trying to establish a certain tone but there became a point where I couldn't actually understand what you were trying to say.

Like above, I like the mythical, flowing feel but at times it seemed a little long and confusing. Maybe include a little more concrete words instead of all these abstract ideas (they're good - don't get me wrong. Just a little too much). Or even consider including a bit more of a plot. If you've got a whole book of poetry that doesn't go anywhere, what's the use in that?

Remember that this is a critique, NOT a criticism. Please spread the word!

If you would like a critique, please read the guidelines, fill out the form, and complete the payment, all which can be found at the beginning of this book. :)

Critiques 2 [CLOSED FOR CATCH UP] Where stories live. Discover now