I get a notification that Ben tagged me in something on Instagram. It makes me nervous knowing he did that because he has a pretty big fan base and some of them are ruthless. I shouldn't be as nervous as I am because my page is private, but it still makes you wanna shit a brick from time to time. Let's just open it and see.
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bensimmons HBD bby ❤️ #kobeyear @allycj
I was first trying to figure out when he took that picture. Then I was debating on if I should read the comments or not. I decided to read them anyway because some of them might be nice.
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tobiasharris happy birthday sis!! joelembiid happy birthday girl 🥳 theycallmetisse 24 going on 12 😌 username1 is this a joke? fanpage awww 💕 username2 wait what? 😩 fanpage that's a pretty one you got there Ben 👀 username3 he's really dating someone? username4 wait because she's so pretty 🥺 jazzyj my faves ❤️
I decide to comment on his post because why not.
allycj thank uuuuu 😋
The comment receives a lot of likes, including one from Ben. Right after that happens, I receive a shit ton of follow requests. I don't accept any of them because I know it's just people being nosy.
"You ever wonder why people do that?" I ask Jasmine. She was with me at the house keeping me company because Ben is out in Cali working out.
I ultimately said no to going out there because I don't feel comfortable traveling everywhere with Liam during a pandemic. He understood where I was coming from and agreed that our health comes first.
"Do what?" Jasmine replied to my question.
"Wanna follow you on IG after you get tagged in a post?" I scroll through the requests.
"They wanna keep tabs on you. See what's going on in your world." She shrugs.
"There's nothing to see though. I don't post like that. I'm barely even on IG anymore with the way I'm taking care of Liam." I exclaim.
"You were never really on IG to begin with, let's start there."
I chuckle.
"Other than that, there's nothing to stress about. Your page is private." She shrugs again. "Just turn the notifications off."
I nod in agreement to her comment.
"If you really wanted to face the harsh reality of being with Ben, you'd make your page public. But you obviously out smarted everyone before y'all started posting one another." She said.
"I haven't posted him at all though." I say.
"And that's completely your choice."
I want to post him, I really do. I don't know what's stopping me though. My page is about as private as it can get.
I see a request from Kendall pop up and I delete it. There's no way I'm accepting that shit. But then one from Winnie comes up and I accept it.
I like Winnie. We talked a lot over the course of time that we were down at the bubble. She's back in Cali doing her thing while Kyle is still balling in the bubble. It should be over soon though.
"Kendall just tried to follow me." I purse my lips.
"Fuck that hoe." Jasmine responded.
That just spiked me to another level of anxiety and I start to overthink. A bunch of what if's come to my mind as my stomach drops to my ass.
It's my birthday, I shouldn't be feeling like this.
* * *
To alleviate that anxiety, Jasmine and I decided to bake a red velvet cake for my birthday and throw a small party for myself. Oscar was here to assist us so we didn't burn down the house or anything.
Right now we're dancing around to Janet Jackson's Miss You Much. It's a song that relates to me right now because I miss my boyfriend. A lot. But I know that Basketball is important to him and I'd never get in the way of that. So I just have to suck it up and move along.
"How do you think you're going to be during the season when he's away?" She asked me.
I shrug as I lick some cake batter off my fingers and move my hips to the music.
"Probably not as calm as I am right now." I grin.
"So you're just gonna blast music the entire time?" She blinked.
"No." I shake my head. "We do have other sources of communication Jasmine."
"I reckon it's not the same as being face to face." She said.
"It's definitely not." I say.
"Do you know how long he's going to be out there?" She asks.
"At least a month and a half. Maybe two." I frown.
"Mmm."
That doesn't seem long, but the days are literally getting longer. I'm surprised I'm getting enough sleep though.
"He didn't give me an exact time when he'd be back." I say.
"So you're just supposed to wait?" She asked.
"Yeah." I nod. "I don't mind."
I really don't. If he's doing what's making him happy, then I'm happy too.
By this time we're sitting at the counter while the cake is in the oven baking. I was eating a bowl of grapes and drinking a glass of water.
"Has he brought up the conversation of marriage again?" Jasmine asked me.
"No." I say. "I honestly don't think he's ready for that kind of commitment yet. We're still pretty young."
"You're both 24." She pursed her lips. "It's better than 22 or less than that."
I shrug.
"If he's dedicated to you and you only, like he says he is, he'll be ready to take that step with you." She said. "When the time is right."
I push some hair behind my ear, sighing.
"I'm not pressuring him into that. If he feels that's what's right, then that's what's right. Like I said before, I'm really not looking forward to it. It is what it is." I shrug.
"Right." She presses her lips together and nods.
I hear Liam start to cry and I make my way upstairs. He must've woke up from his nap.
"Okay. Mommy's here." I exclaim, walking over to his crib.
I pick him up, gently patting his back as I hold him to me. He coos against my shoulder as I head out of his room and back downstairs. Jasmine was sitting on the couch when I got back down there.
Liam whimpers as I lay him down on my lap. I start to feed him, listening to his whimpers lessen. I tap his butt as he drinks his milk.
It's been so fun watching him grow these past seven months and I'm excited to see what the next five have in store. I'm nervous and excited, which isn't the greatest combo, but I'm turning it into something good.
