Afraid

30.

Songs for this Chapter (in this order)
Not About Angels - birdy
Friends - Ed Sherran
Sail - awolnation

Alex's POV

My eyes felt heavy, drowsy even. A slight pain started to build up in my left temple. I was squinting too much, these letters were too small. Or I was thinking too much. I sighed letting the book fall on my stomach as I reached for my phone across the bed. The brightness made me close my eyes, was it me? I was fine till I opened this book, and started to question my feelings. If Hudson really loved Alayna why did he let her leave? I went to my messages. I found Zayn's name at the very top, I laid in bed debating if I should send the message. My mind is flooded, it's a maze. I rolled my eyes pushing the draft button.

I placed my phone next to me, picking up my book, continuing to read. For some reason, I turned my head towards the window. A breeze blew by, causing me to inhale. His smell was on the pillow. I sat up closing my book; I picked up the pillow and inhaled the fading smell of Zayn. I put the pillow down, what was I thinking agreeing to be friends with Zayn. I shouldn't have agreed to something that I wasn't ready for. I should have told him no, and to let me go. I was being selfish, he was too. Hell, we both were. I needed to face the truth, my life wasn't a movie or a book, and I need to let him go.

I sunk back into my bed rolling on my stomach resting my head on my arm. Zayn was the reason I was happy, now I'm just lonely, sad. Or it that what I wanted to believe, I was happy before him.

"Stop Alex. Focus on what is really important." I told myself, shaking my head trying to get his face out of my mind. Even if I was to get back with Zayn, things would be chaotic.

I started to think about my future in New York. The smell of coffee from the café. I wasn't going to be alone; my parents decided they want to move with me. Would I run into Zayn on the streets, would he come surprise me? Would he even fight for me?

I was in deep thought, when my door opened slowly. My mom popped her heard through, "I heard sad music so I figured something was wrong." Sad music? I didn't even notice it was playing till she told me.

She waits at the door waiting for me to invite her in, "You haven't left your room since Friday. What's wrong? Is it Zayn? She finally walks in, shutting the door behind her. I didn't tell my parents that Zayn and I broke up; it was hard to even believe it. If I couldn't believe it, I couldn't say it.

The thing is it wasn't just Zayn, it was everything. The fear of growing up, and being alone. Time is going by fast, and I can't keep up. I was bothered by everything. I sit up against the headboard, "No, I am fine mom. Just resting up for school tomorrow." Great now school, more stress, well at least I don't have history with Zayn anymore.

She picks up Pookie before sitting down. Pookie runs to me, meowing for me to pet her. "Mom, are you sure about moving back to America. You been through so much to go back, I have too but I want to do this."

She looks down sniffling, "Alex, I just want you to have the best and succeed in all that you do. Does it bother you that I want to move back?"

"Mom, no it doesn't. I just want you to stay here in England. You changed everything for me mom. It's time to live your life mom. I'm becoming an adult now." I scoot closer to her reaching for her hand. She squeezes mine, "Oh Alexis, I just don't want to lose you. I nearly lost you twice."

I cringed when she mentions Alexis it's my real name. I hate it; gosh I never hated anything so much in my entire life. Everyone in my family called me Alex, except my uncle he called me Alexis. But when everything happened, I was just called Alex. I think that night, Alexis died, when my parents found out. When my mom's family disowned us. "You aren't losing me, what happened in the past is way behind me. My therapist said that I would have good and bad days. I'm strong mom, please don't feel like you have to watch over me 24/7." The last thing I want is for my mom worry about me being 200 miles away from her. She stresses herself out worrying about me.