Afraid

44. (Part 2)

songs for this chapter:
i literally had 'these are the lies' by the cab on repeat.

a/n:
in case you didnt know, i will be rewriting Afraid on @ravisharold (my new wattpad)

it'll be more improved. so add me on there :)

Zayn's pov

I could hear my heartbeat. Each beat slow. "Mum?" I felt Ethan eyes stare at me, he was confused.

Bum. Bum. Bum.

Every fiber in my body sent shocks throughout my body. I couldn't believe my eyes. It was like seeing a ghost, hell she was a ghost. I stood there as my own mum looked me in the eye shamelessly, that's how I knew it was her. after all these years she still remained prideful with her head held high.

"Ethan, would you please go to your room." I could feel a lump in my throat, at first I was conviced that it was my heart. I realized that this was the day, I was going to confront my darkest demon. My hands trembled at my side, my breathing was erratic.

I looked at ethan, he was beyond schocked, "Mum, I thought you said my brother die-"

She cut him off, her voice raising, "Now ethan!" her yell is just like I remembered it; cold and heartless. Ethan obeys walking upstairs without another word.

My anger boils up, my heart pounding rapidly, "Dead? You told him I dead!" i take a deep breath trying to control my undeniable urge to start throwing things.

Her lips press in a thin line. She shows no emotion, "Yes."

My eyes burn from the not blinking, my pulse quickens, "How could you do that. I was- I am your son. I am your child!"

She sighs deeply. "Zayn, I didn't care."

I shake my head, throwing my hands up, "Why, what makes me different from Ethan?"

She holds her hand signaling me to stop yelling, "Don't compare yourself to Ethan. Don't you dare!"

I look at my feet, disgusted by her, "Why mum?"

She yanks her hair, then throws a flower vase on the tile floor. Glass shatters as she stomps her foot scaring me for a split second, "Because I don't love you. I never did."

My blood that was once pumping through my veins, completely stops. My heart feels like it has fallen in the bottom pit of my stomach. I felt like such a wanker for thinking that she would greet me with love and actually admit that she was wrong for leaving me. but if its one thing I remember about my mun, its that she was heartless, and self-centered. "Stop trying to convince yourself mum."

She scoffed crossing her arms over her chest consciously, "No zayn stop trying to convince yourself. I didn't love you. I had to get drunk just in order to have sex with your father. I was digusted. You weren't meant to be born."

Alexs words repeat in my head:

You are worth something. Prove everybody wrong.

I blink as a tear slowly falls, "I hope you burn in hell. Want to know what the worst part of all this is," I take a step forward. "That I lied to myself everyday, I wanted to hate you, god did I try. But deep down, I loved you, all I ever wanted was for you to walk through my bedroom door, and finally come home. I let you screw up my life, I cant love my girlfriend. And even right now I still love you because you are my mum, no matter what happens or how many times you deny it I will always be your son. And it doesn't suck for you, it sucks for me. out of the drugs, sex, you were always the monster. You made my life a living hell. I don't know how to fucking love because of you. I have a great girlfriend and I cant talk to her, because my mind is fucked up. You are spineless." I huff walking to the living room to grab my jacket.