Second Sphere

Dogtag

Is there something beyond emptiness? Something further than grief? To be shattered so thoroughly there is nothing left that can be picked up and put back together. Because this is it. I don't have words for it.

For two weeks I couldn't move. I was forced care for my wounds, made to eat and drink daily so I wouldn't die, so that was left of me wouldn't die. By the time I was able to crawl I found nothing unchanged. It was as if we had just walked out the door and onto the battlefield. Even his hair was on the counter from the haircut he had me help give him. I take one of the locks and put it in my pocket. Lockers, people used to put their love's hair in lockets. That's all I can do.

I drag myself into the shower. It's less of a shower and more of me standing in the water and pouring some amount of soap on me hoping it does it's job on it's own.

I make it through most of the halls before Okoye runs into me. "You're out of bed." She sounds shocked.

My voice is gravelly from not having used it, "I need to go to the hut, get our things. And go to see where everyone else is."

She nods. "I'll take you on the jet."

I go into the hut alone and collect our sparse belongings. Most of it was Bucky's. The backpack with all of his journals. I gather that and our clothes and swing the now heavier backpack over my back.

I stare out at the clouds during the ride to the Avengers facility. Okoye attempts to talk but I never respond. At some point I pretend to fall asleep to get her to stop attempting to talk to me. Whether or not she actually believes I was sleeping her attempts at conversations end.

The facility is far more sparse now with less members. Tony is still missing. Steve leads me to my old room. Everything there is still the same as if frozen in place from before the avengers split thanks to the Sokovia accords. I set the backpack on the bed and look around. I feel like I don't belong in this room, it feels as if I'm an outsider standing in a strangers room.

Steve turns to leave but stops and leans on the doorframe. "Bucky meant a lot to me too. But he wouldn't want to see you like this." He puts his hand in his pocket and digs something out, furrowing his eyebrows as he looks down.

"I called in a few favors. And was able to get this, you should be the one to have it." Steve walks over and hands it to me. A single dog tag on a chain. "They were his." He sits down next to me, "One is kept for the family. You and I are the last family he had."

I stare at the tag in my hand and run my fingers over the lettering. I can already feel tears down my cheek and I choke down a sob. "Thank you." I somehow manage to say.

Steve nods and gives me a pat on the shoulder and gets up, he gives me one last glance before quietly shutting the door behind him. Once the door shuts and I'm alone I let myself cry again. I put the dog tag on and clutch it against my heart as I let myself go through the motion of feeling and mourning.