Second Sphere

Listless

In the months that followed I left the avengers team with Tony. I couldn't keep fighting, not like this. Steve and Natasha both told me that there would always be a spot for me on the team if I wanted to return but I don't see that happening.

Tony and I had talked, we mourned. We talked about what happened back in Siberia. He still wasn't the biggest fan of Bucky, but he understood the loss I was feeling. We talked about the loss of Peter, and how hard that hit him since he became his mentor in my stead. And when the time came for him to leave he offered me a cabin not far from the one he was building. Private land so I had room to wander or fly and do what I please. The only condition was to come over at least once a week for dinner, Pepper's idea apparently.

Moving in was quick for me. I had a couple of small boxes most of which was clothes that had been left at the avengers compound during my time in Wakanda. It was easy to stay motivated and go through the motions to finish unpacking. But once that was done and there was nothing left to do but unpack Bucky's things I stopped. The box remained untouched for days just sitting in the middle of my living room.

Eventually I managed to unpack the box item by item. It was slow going, shifting through each item. The journals I read one by one and then placed on a book shelf. Our files went in the small office area I had, really that was just space for me to keep a laptop and read seeing as I'm not working. The longest part of unpacking his items was going through his clothes. Bucky's hoodie became an almost permanent item worn. This of course meant my wings remained tucked away almost all the time so I wouldn't have to damage the hoodie. At one point it might have smelled like him but now it only smells like the laundry soap I have been using.

But I wasn't coping well. Aside from Thursdays to go see Pepper and Tony the rest of my time I spent listless. For almost as long as I can remember I was connected to Bucky. My goal, my mission, and my saving grace with Hydra had always been related to him, protecting him, being what he needed me to be. And now, what's left. The fierce mental pain had subsided to a migraine most of the time and a dull ache for the rest.

To cope with that I started taking ibuprofen, then Tylenol. At first it was just the rate I was taking them that increased, once that stop working I upped the dose. When that failed I started turning to stronger and stronger medication. Drugging myself into a stupor not to deal with the pain. Drinking to increase the effects of the medication. And then slipping into a drug induced dreamland, one where the pain of what had happened wasn't a reality.

But as the weeks grew into months even that lost its appeal. And I went back to suffering through the migraines and aches just to feel something. I couldn't even feel my grief because I was so tightly wrapped in it. When Pepper and Tony told me they were expecting, I felt something I didn't even know was in my heart shatter. I played it off being happy for them, and I was I really was. But I also felt sad and angry. I can't have that, I never will get to have that.

The resentment within me grew, not towards Pepper or Tony. But towards Hydra, towards everyone who had ever tormented Bucky and myself. It was gnawing away at my core. Towards every conniving agency that screwed people over. What sick cruel joke did the universe have to continue to keep playing on us, on me? Haven't I lost enough? Suffered enough? I just want to feel. I want to be close to him again. And I know exactly where to start.