Eloping Our Chances [BL][COMPLETED]

16 ; expect more

A L I S O N N E – M O N T E R O

I was a child when I was taught to be the perfect example; a woman with substance and a person that people should admire.

Pero ngayon hindi ko na alam. Nagyon na unti-unting nasisira ang pangalan namin ay wala ng kasiguraduhan ang lahat sa akin. There are nights where I would drink to sleep. I want to sleep peacefully without medication. I want to sleep where I can dream of something! Hindi 'yong matutulog ka lang and then the next morning, or the next few hours ay tatayo na naman para lumaban sa buhay!

"Dok, ano po ang nangyari?! Bakit po namatay ang Papa ko, Dok?! Dok nangako po kayo, dok eh! Nangako kayo!!" I kept my solemn face and hugged the mourning family.

This is the disadvantage of my job. Hindi sa dahil nasisisi kami, no, dahil sa sakit ng pakiramdam kapag ikaw mismo ay nilaban mo pero hindi kinaya ng taong pinaglaban mo. Let's face it, masakit ang mawalan at masakit ang maiwan.

"I'm so sorry, we did all our best to save the patient."

Out of guilt in me ay ayaw ko pa sanang umalis at damayan ang babae na umiiyak but I can't take it. She reminded me of someone. She reminded me of Cymon; his pleas that fueled every corner of that morgue when Tita Amoria died. His pain when I took his man.

I want to be that silent hero, silently saving people. I want to be that hero that everyone loves, not hated. But I guess not all heroes are perfect. We make mistakes.

"Are you all what?! Deaf?! Hindi ba kayo nakaka-intindi?! I want an alone time with my mom!" It would always wake me up. The pain in his frail voice was enough to tell us the pain he must be feeling.

The people around saw and felt how he lost his world.

"No! I said no! Kailan niyo ba 'yan maiintindihan ha!? Lumayas kayo! I need my time! Kanina pa kayo dito so get lost!" I saw how he hugged his mom's carcass.

I was standing, staring at them. Wala akong nagawa. I did nothing at all! I can't do anything. Inside me, I was useless at that time. I know that I was capable of consoling him, I was capable of wiping his tears, pero wala akong nagawa. What I did instead was turn my back and hid the guilt in me, silently.

"R-Rusell. Wala na ang m-mommy ko! I lost her! I-I wasn't there when she needed me, Rusell! I can hear her scream, Rusell. Oh God! S-she needed me at the most at that time. She needed her son pero wala ako ng time na 'yon. I was so far away that I can't save her."

We were having fun, masaya at parang walang problema. Totoo nga na kapag masaya ka ay may masasakit na pagsubok na naman ang papawi.

"I d-don't know how. I really don't know how I can be strong. Nawala na ang sandalan ko, Rusell."

Kitang-kita ko kung paano umiyak at paano masira ang mundo ng pinsan ko. Ang hindi ko nakita ay ang taong tumulong sa kaniya sa mga oras na iyon. Nakaluhod siya habang pilit pinupunasan ang mga dumadangis na mata ng pinsan ko. I saw in those eyes how he managed to help and console Cymon where in the first place ay kami dapat na pamilya ang gumagawa nito. But what I did was truly unforgivable.

Wala ng natira sa tao. Pero mas pinili ko pa ang maging madamot. Mas pinili ko ang pangsariling kasiyahan. Mas pinili ko ang baliktarin ang lahat, resulting Cymon's stripped heart.

"Dok, ako na lang po ang gagawa ng mga 'yan. Total ay review of the whole month lang naman. Mukhang toxic po kasi kayo sa last operation niyo."

I stared at the sheets in front of my table. It's so bland. No remedy of life. Pero kahit ganuon pa ito ay mas pipiliin ko ang maging tulad ng isang papel na kung tapos ng gamitin ay pwede ng itapon at masunog. I wish I can be that mindless or emotionless. Para mawala na ang sakit sa isipan at puso ko. Para mawala na ang sakit na dinulot ko!