Chapter 65
Minsan tinatanaw ko ang langit. Nagtatanong. Nagtataka. Nalulungkot. Naguguluhan. Lahat na yata. Hindi ko alam kung saan ko ilulugar ang lahat ng emosyon ko. Hindi ko kayang manumbat dahil ako ang nang-iwan. Hindi ako pwedeng umasta na tila ba ako ang pinaka-nasasaktan dahil ako ang nagpasyang tumapos.
Sinubukan ko naman. I tried to keep it to myself but I was caught up with my own denial. It’s all coming back to me now. He’s gone. Everything’s real. I woke up one day and realized that it’s not a nightmare.
And there are days when I just want to succumb the pain and act as if everything’s okay, but my pretention is always devouring me whole.
I wanna remove my heart from my chest to stop it from all the hurting. But how do I? How do I start again? I’ve been torn, pieces to pieces. The walls I’ve built have now become my ruins.
I touch my heart, and felt nothing. Maybe that’s what happens when someone we love walks out of our life. They take a part of us and it will remain forever missing. There’s no use in trying to feel anything. I now know. Inside this empty, hollow chest dwells a deep hole. And when I tried to scream my heart out, all it ever does was but an echo.
May dumaan na eroplano sa himpapawid. Naalala na naman kita. Maybe I’m just gonna miss you forever. And maybe no matter how much I crave for your presence, I will never be satisfied. I’ll need you but I won’t beg for you to come back. I want you gone. Or maybe I don’t. But just stay gone. Stay right where you are. Leave me with my shattered self. I asked for this, right?
I hugged my knees when the wind blew. My afternoons have always been so cold since he left. And I’ll never get used to it, I suppose.
Pinagmasdan ko ang aking cellphone. Mitch has been bombarding my inbox since early in the morning. She’s been asking me to go out and have some fun. Old times, with some good friends, she said. Pero hindi ko kaya. Hindi ko kayang makita ang mga kaibigan namin matapos ang hindi ko pagsipot sa kanila. Hindi ko rin pinaalam na nandoon naman talaga ako, hindi lang ako nagpakita.
At hanggang ngayon, hindi ko pa rin makalimutan ang sinabi sa akin ni Guian sa telepono. 7:20 pm, March 6, 2014, right after they sent Cyrus, he gave me a call. At first, I was contemplating whether I should answer or not. But, of course, I still did. The first few seconds were horrible. I didn’t speak and neither did he.
It was short but very painful. Guian cleared his throat and said, over the phone, “Do you know how to murder someone? Love them hard. Then, be gone.” Mariin ang boses niya habang sinasabi niya iyon. I was crying so hard it pained my chest. Guian would never say that if he wasn’t hurt. But he was, and still is. He lost a friend and a brother because of me. Because of me, no one will reprimand him whenever he’s being tactless. No one will snort at his sick remarks. No one will go to their house and bring him food just because he told Cyrus that he’s hungry. No one will carry him home when he’s drunk. No one will nag at him because of his stupidity. No one will sing him songs whenever he can’t sleep at night—Guian is as childish at that, and Cyrus is as kind as that. No one will listen to his nonsensical babbles during two in the morning and even beyond. No one will yell at him when he’s being ludicrous. No one will pay attention when no one wants to listen to his jokes. No one will care enough to his pain and his struggles. No one can ever measure to that except Cyrus. And because of me, Guian is hurting. Not only him, but I know that all of them are, they just don’t want to tell me that they are.
Linibang ko ang sarili ko. Naglaro ako ng Mario, pero kahit level 1, hindi ko matapos. Sinubukan kong kumain ng churros, pero palagi lang nadudurog. Pinanuod ko ang The Vampire Diaries sa parte na masaya sina Ian at Nina, pero iyak pa rin ako ng iyak. Siguro dahil naisip ko na mabuti pa sa mga napapanuod kong storya, pwede kong ulit-ulitin sa parte na masaya. Hindi katulad sa buhay ko, kapag nangyari na, tapos na. Walang playback.
