Chapter 85
"Yes, Ma. Natanggap ko na po. I'll do it as soon as possible. Maybe after the wedding. Transfer po kasi ako sa bahay ng kapatid ni James sa Alabang in preparation for the big day," I told my mother through the phone. We've been talking for quite a while.
"Do you really want this, anak?" she asked, cutting me out of my hidden agitation. I can feel the concern and sympathy of my Mom. That wasn't much of a shocker, but I'm just surprised to hear her cut me off our normal conversation. Bigla na lang niya kasing natanong. Sa pagkakatanda ko, hindi pa ulit ako nagkukuwento. Ang huling detalyado kong nasabi sa kaniya ay ang Ilocos trip namin-which was months ago already. Since then, whenever she asks me about the thing about me and Cyrus, I hardly elaborate. But this time, it's different. But I guess, this is how it really rolls for a mother-daughter relationship. God must have really crafted it to become this way-for them to understand what their children are really feeling, without having to ask them. I'm open with my mom, though. I tell her everything, but not lately. Sobra na kasing unmanageable ng mga nangyayari sa buhay ko. Hindi ko alam kung saan ako magsisimula sa ikukuwento ko sa kaniya. Wala din naman akong lakas na magsimula. Ayaw kong umiyak . . . na naman sa telepono. That makes her worry to death. And I don't want her to fret about my condition.
"I don't know, Ma," I honestly replied. I've done so many mistakes already. I don't think this is any different. If it is, anyway.
"Do something that will give you peace," she said. Tumango ako kahit na hindi naman niya ako nakikita. Right now, I want to wrap my arms around my Mom. I want to feel her. I want to be with my family. At least, I know for sure, they wouldn't hurt me. "Jillian, alam kong nasasaktan ka dahil sa nangyayari sa inyo ni Cyrus, but please, don't do something that will hurt you even more. If you don't want to go, I can explain it to your dad. Maiintindihan naman namin."
"Ma," tawag ko. My voice broke. I couldn't help it. My heart is already hurting. Pagod na akong masaktan. Bakit ba ganito? Suko na ako. Ayaw ko ng lumaban pa.
"Hmm?"
"Remember the time when you told me that love hurts?" I asked, biting my lips. Hinawakan ko nang maigi ang cellphone. It might slip from my hands anytime. My bones are frail. My flesh doesn't want to fight against my emotions.
"Mm."
"News flash, we're wrong. Love never hurts. Loving someone so much does." Hindi ko na mapigilan ang mga luha ko. "Mama?" muli kong tawag. Nanginginig na ang mga labi ko. Sabik na sabik ako sa nanay ko. Gusto ko siyang yakapin. "I don't know if I've ever told you this, but I want you to know that I love you so much. Thank you for showing me what agape love is. Ang dami ko na kasing nagawang kapalpakan sa buhay, pero kahit ganoon, never ko kayong narinig ni Papa na kino-condemn ako sa mga 'yun. Hindi sa lahat ng bagay tama ako, pero kahit kailan, hindi niyo pinaramdam na napakalaking kasalanan ang maging mali. You made me own up my decisions, and you were there, through the good and the bad. You were always there to let me know that you still adore me for all that I am and all that I am not. You showered me with comfort when life was especially tough. You pulled me through all my wrong decisions. And you love me the same. Thank you for being my Mom." Pilit akong ngumiti. "It's a joy to know that at the end of the day, I still have my family. And I know that you guys will never break my heart." I sobbed. "Some kids in this generation don't appreciate the value of their parents because they don't know how tough it is to become one. Alam ko kung gaano ang sakripisyo niyo para sa akin. And sorry, Ma, but I know that you're a liar."
"Jillian, what . . ."
"You lied to me when you said that you are okay. You lied when you said that we don't face any problem. You lied when you said I don't have to worry about anything. You lied when you told me years ago that I sing well, because the world knows that I do have a terrible voice. You lied when you told me that the president of the choir, who didn't accept me on my audition, was crazy enough not to notice such an incredible talent. You lied when you said that it's okay to be away in the land where you wanted to stay, just for the sake of your family. You lied when you said you're not having a hard time working with people with different culture and beliefs. You lied when you said we have enough money to pay for my expenses here in the Philippines. You lied when you said you can fight your illness without me. You lied when you said you can manage both dad and Mikey. You lied when you said all I have to do is study well. You lied when you said it's okay if I pursue my dream here. You lied when you said it's okay to be away from you for as long as I am happy. You keep on lying to me, Ma. You lied because you're thinking about me. You're lying because you don't want me to worry about you. Bata pa lang ako, nagsisinungaling na kayo sa akin ni Papa." Hindi ko na mapigilan ang mga luha ko. "You've sacrificed far too many things just for your children's sake. Ang dami niyong pinagkait sa sarili niyo para lang sa amin. Para magkaroon kami ng magandang buhay. Hindi madali na mamuhay sa ibang bansa, pero tiniis mo. Maraming bagay na gusto mo ang hindi mo mabili para lang may maipadala ka sa'min. You've cried so many nights yet you tell me it's okay, for as long as I'm okay. You're one of the bravest people I know, Ma. Sana kasing tapang mo ako. Sana kaya ko ding gawin 'yan. Sana kaya kong magsakripisyo para sa mga taong mahal ko." I cried even more. "You are my backbone. You are my hero. And I'll be forever indebted, Ma. It will always be an honor to be called your daughter." I can't hear her from the other line. I know she's crying, but holding her sobs, as well. She's braving her heart again. "Mom, I'm so hurt. I'm so hurt I think I could die because of this pain. But I need to live. I need to fight. I need to fight because I still have you. I still have my family." Pumikit ako at hinawakan ko ang aking puso. "I want to rest. I want my heart to rest. I want to find my peace. And it's definitely not here . . . not anymore."
