Chapter 86
"Jillian," buong simpatiyang tawag ni Miss Yohanne sa akin. Umiling ako. I really hate people looking at me with pity. It makes me hate myself even more. I feel like a total wreck.
"I'm sorry," humihikbing bigkas ko. Napaupo na lamang ako sa sobrang panlalambot ng mga tuhod ko. "Dalawang taon ko ng pinapatay ang sarili ko. Dalawang taon na wala akong ibang ginawa kung hindi ang umiyak at pagsisihan ang desisyon na nagawa ko." Yumuko ako at umiyak nang walang humpay. "Mali ba? I only wanted the best for him. Gusto ko lang naman na magkaroon siya ng magandang buhay. I just wanted him to pursue his dream." I broke down and held my knees. Naramdaman ko ang yakap ni Miss Yohanne sa akin. It was a warm one, but not enough to calm me down. "And now, the decision I made already back fired. Why should I still stay? Wala ng dahilan. I've already lost my greatest battle, what's there to fight for? What's there to lose?" Umiling akong muli. Matagal ng tapos ang laban, pero hanggang ngayon hindi pa din magaling ang mga sugat na natamo ko. I'm trying to fight. But what could a dead heart do? I don't understand why it has to become this way. We're supposed to forget people because we don't love them anymore, right? Not because we love them so much. But why am I left with no choice?
She rubbed my back and hissed out of frustration. I cringed at the sound of her sob. This is what I'm doing. I'm ruining a lot of people's lives because of my issues. If I don't heal now, there would be more casualties.
"If you really need to move, we can assign you at our office in Maryland." Tumango siya. "I believe we'll need new editors in our MD Office since madami tayong bagong authors na nag-sign ng contract. We can put you there," she suggested.
Sumakit ang puso ko sa sinabi niya. She doesn't want to let me go. And I don't want to, as well, because I'm already attached. But maybe that's the thing about strings of attachments: loose ends always hurt. People are naturally like that. We hold on to things which we are bound to lose. We put our hearts on something that is temporary. That's why when it leaves us, we find ourselves devastated, empty and lost. That's what exactly happened to me.
"Hindi na po, Ma'am." Umiling ako at kumalas sa yakap niya. "I need to re-start my life. Back to square one. I don't want the same ghost haunt me for the rest of my life. Kapag dito pa din sa kompanya na ito ako nagtrabaho, maaalala ko lang siya. Maiisip ko ang mga panahon na kinukuwento ko sa kaniya ang pangarap ko na makapasok dito. I'll just hear his voice telling me that I am the best journalist in the whole world. Palagi lang akong masasaktan kapag naalala ko siya." Suminghap ako. "Isa pa, may nahanap na po si Mama na Publishing House na pwede kong pasukan once I get there. Back to scratch, yes. Mababang posisyon. Pero siguro okay na din po 'yun." Yumuko akong muli. "Miss Yohanne, for the past two years, I've allowed him to take all the good in me. I was left with my own demons, and they did me no help. They made me more miserable. Nakausap ko si Qwen before at sinabi niya sa akin na malaki daw ang pinagbago ko. Pain should make us better, right? But that never happened to me. And I'm missing the old me. I want to be joyful again. I want to bring my old life back. And how can I do that?" I sighed out of hopelessness. "Paano ko magagawang iwan siya kung isang hakbang ko pa lang palayo, gusto ko ng hilahin ang sarili ko pabalik? Everytime I push him away, I keep on regretting what I've done. Pero wala akong ibang kayang gawin kung hindi ang palayain siya." Umiling ako. "Mali. Hindi na pala siya sa'kin. At iyon ang mali, hindi ba? Mali na panghawakan ang isang bagay na pagmamay-ari na ng iba." Napapikit ako sa sobrang sakit ng mga salitang binitawan ko. "May karapatan naman akong maging masaya ulit, 'di ba? Kung kaya ni Cyrus, dapat kaya ko din." I looked at her eyes and saw the glittery tears. "Is it wrong to beg for your own happiness?" I asked in my most desperate voice. Why? Why do I even have to beg for it? "Kung patuloy akong mauubos ng dahil sa kaniya, ano na lang ang maiiwan para sa pamilya ko? Kailangan pa nila ako, Miss Yohanne. I have to fight for them. Gusto ko na silang makasama. Dapat matagal na akong sumama sa kanila. Bata pa lang ako, gusto na akong kunin ni Mama, pero anong ginawa ko? I turned down the offer because I was waiting for him—for Nicholai. Kasi kahit ang tagal, tagal na, naniwala ako na balang araw, guguhit ang tadhana ng paraan para magkita kami ulit. When two people are meant to meet each other, they will meet, regardless the circumstances, right? And I was holding on to his promise, as well. He said he'll find me. And he did. The stay was worth it. Second year, Mom asked me again. Hindi ako pumayag. Hindi ko siya kayang iwanan dahil mahal na mahal ko siya. I didn't leave because I was thinking about him. I thought of my life without him in the picture and it nearly killed me. Sinubukan kong lumayo, pero saan ako dinala ng paglayo ko na 'yun? Sa kaniya pa din. Another is when Mikey and Dad had to move, too. I stayed. He gave me enough reason to stay. No, the thing is, he was enough reason for me not to go." Kinagat ko ang aking labi. "I know I have disappointed my family. I've made so many bad decisions that caused them enough pain. I hurt them, big time. Siguro ganoon talaga ang nangyayari kapag hindi natin sinusunod ang mga magulang natin, tayo lang ang masasaktan sa bandang huli. And as for me, I always learn my lessons the harder way around." Tumango-tango ako. "You know what, Miss Yohanne, I have this friend, and his name is Japheth. He's so jealous of me. Kasi daw kumpleto ang pamilya ko. Kasi masaya kami kahit na simple lang ang buhay. While him, he wasn't able to have that kind of family. Alam ko naman na sobrang blessed ako sa pamilya ko, pero nagkulang ako sa pagpapahalaga. Kasi iniisip ko, kami ni Cyrus us against the world kami. Kaya namin lahat basta mahal namin ang isa't isa. Wala kaming hindi kayang malagpasan basta lalaban lang kami. Pero anong nangyari? He also disappointed and hurt his family. His mom became jealous of me. He keeps on fighting for me that he started to lose his own family. And I can't help but ask myself, is it really worth it to fight for someone even if it means that you're going to betray your own flesh and blood?" tanong ko sa kaniya. "Kasi ngayon, ang romantic ng mga ganoong tema ng stories, 'di ba? Guy and girl, ready to conquer the world with love as their weapon. And they are willing to break even their parents' hearts just to fight for that kind of love. But now that I'm old enough, I've realized that it doesn't roll like that. At the end of the day, if there are people that I should fight for first, they should be my family." Umiling ako. "And this time, I will fight for them. I will choose them."
