Chapter 74
His voice seized my sanity. Tila ba lahat ng lakas na taglay ko ay unti-unting nawawala sa aking sistema. Akala ko noon, sa pelikula lamang nangyayari ang eksena na kagaya nito. I found it too cliché. But I guess nothing is too cliché when it happens to you. Live, in action, where very emotion is raw. The words you utter aren't scripted.
My feet start to wobble. I feared that my trembling can start an earthquake, and I would witness my world fall apart, all over again.
Long time ago, I have prepared my lines. I told myself before that when I get the chance to talk to him, I'll play cool. Funny, though, because all of my guts sank when that moment happened to me.
When we went to Hundred Islands to shoot the break-up scene for the movie, I was secretly crying because I was feeling the pain of the characters. There was an instance wherein my sobs became uncontrollable and it turned into a huge shame vomit. They all looked at me after that. Biniro pa ako ni Sir Hanj na pang funeral scene daw ang iyak ko. Since then, I have promised to myself that I won't get emotional with such a thing.
But . . . real life is different. It's not like the movies. There were no slow motions, and blurry parts. It happened so fast and unequivocally painful. Akala ko kasi okay na ako. Akala ko wala na. Sino ba namang mag-iisip na after almost a year and a half, nandito pa rin ang sakit?
Kinumos ko ang aking mga mata at hinawakang maigi ang cellphone.
Matagal akong hindi nagsalita. Mabuti na lamang at hindi niya pa ako binababaan. Hindi naman siya bastos kausap. Hindi naman ganoon si Cyrus. He would never do that. He's still the same. But not quite. Because if it was still him, the Cyrus-before-the-break-up, he would pick on me and tell me stupid things like, "Bakit ang tagal mong sumagot? Namatay ka ba sa kilig?" or he would pretend like talking to himself and say, "Oh, really? Great. That's nice." And I would laugh because he's just cute whenever he does that. He's impatient, and can get a bit cranky at times, but he would wait. He would always wait.
But now was different. There were no henpecks. There were no arguments. No vexing in between conversations. No apologies done. Nothing to rebuild, because nothing was destroyed. None.
And of all the things I have in my head, I ended up asking, "Uhmm. Do we need to talk?" I regretted it afterwards. I mean, I could have asked something with sense other than that. But my mind was otiose, at the time being. No help.
"Yes. Certainly," he answered back. I was pacing back and forth in the middle of utter darkness here in the hallway. I was chickening out.
"What for?" I asked. My tone hasn't changed yet. I'm grateful that he couldn't see my face right now. Sa palagay ko, kapag tinusok ng karayom ang mukha ko, bigla na lang akong maglalaho. I feel like in one snap, I would scatter.
And I'm scared, because I know I'll screw everything up. Great.
"Ate Summer's getting married . . ."
Before he even finished speaking, I barged in and said, "Wow. Congratulations!" I'm just really happy for her. After all, she's been through a messy roller coaster of love and hate relationship with people. I'm glad she's heading towards that forever.
"And she wants to have her pre-nup taken in Coron. So . . . we're going home," he continued. My heart became a wild creature the moment I heard him mention about his coming back. A smile was drawn unto my face. Napakatraydor ng puso ko. I thought we had an agreement not to feel anything, what happened?
I had to press my lips to stop myself from smiling ridiculously. It did no help. I tried another way. I thought about the irony of life right now. Before, I used to be his home. But now, home has just been branded as a place to dwell on. The grin is now gone.
