Chapter 63
Dalawang araw bago matapos ang OJT ko, pinatawag ako ni Ma'am Cha para sa isang meeting. I know that it's going to be about the South Cotabato documentary I made.
Honestly, the moment she said we need to settle some things, my heart started to hammer inside my chest. I'm more than scared. I mean, who wouldn't if the planned jaunt became a mess, a huge one? It was epic. Like, big time. Mabuti na lamang at kasama ko si Ran, he had become one of my support systems when we got there. He made sure I was calm, like a big brother trying to hush his little sister.
I remember the time when we were so on fire to see the sunrise. We had to ride a habal-habal as early as four am to see its glory. Probably, one of the most beautiful sceneries I've ever seen in my entire life. I've been jealous. I cried and Ran wondered why. I told him that I'm envious because it's not everyday that you can get to kiss a sky as beautiful as that. The place was more than lovely. It was beyond awesome.
It was after lunch when I entered her office. I was literally shaking and my feet are wobbling like jellies. I don't want to defend myself. I gave all that I have. I've struggled, but reveled in the end. It was worth the pain. And for that, I'm grateful and honored. The experience I had with Mindanao will always be one of my life's greatest achievements.
"Take your seat, Jillian," seryosong sambit ni Miss Cha nang makita niya ako sa pintuan.
I cleared my throat and slowly sat down. "Thank you po."
Tumayo siya at umikot sa paligid. It really scares me whenever she does this. "What happened, Jillian?" she started.
Pinagdikit ko ang aking mga palad. "Hindi ko po alam." Tumingin ako sa malayo at kinagat ko ang aking labi. "May plano naman po kami ni Ran. We've discussed about it. It just happened that during our trip, a force majeure occurred. And, we can't do anything about it. It's beyond our control. Maybe we've forgotten to use SWOT and I'm sorry. Sorry that I've disappointed you. I know that you're expecting something grand. Something beyond awesome. And mine was a wreck."
Slowly, my dream of being absorbed is crashing right before my very eyes. But this time, I was scared but reckless. I've got no time to maintain the regrets. Naisip ko na baka tama si Mitch, sometimes, we just got to own up our decisions, regardless the repercussions of it.
Siguro, pagkatapos kong maasikaso ang mga papel ko, maghahanap na lang ako ng ibang trabaho. Baka kailangan ko ng magpaalam sa pangarap kong maging parte ng kompanya na 'to.
"I've seen your draft. I've already compared it to the final write up you gave me. Sobrang malayo. Don't tell me you changed your mind when you got there. Isn't that a heedless move? That was almost a suicide."
Yumuko ako. "Honestly, Ma'am?" I asked her. She just stared, waiting for a reply. "I'll babble for quite a while, is it okay?"
"I'm a writer, Jillian. I love stories. Go ahead and hit me with your best shot," she dared me.
Nagpasya ako na maging tapat sa kaniya. Sasabihin ko sa kaniya ang na-experience namin ni Ran. We haven't talked properly since we arrived, and now's the time.
"I re-read the draft I wrote before we went to South Cotabato. Nasa General Santos na kami nang magsimulang masira ang mga plano namin. We didn't expect the heavy rain. That was not included. So, we decided to eat first at Ranchero Nuevo Grill, dahil depressed kami, we deprived ourselves nothing our eyes desired. We had baby back ribs, tuna belly, tuna kilawin and dragon fruit smoothie. It's just funny because I've been amazed how Ran had been cooperative. He never demanded for anything rather than what's served on our plate. Medyo maarte kasi 'yun sa pagkain. At habang nagle-late lunch kami at habang hinihintay naming tumila ang ulan, sinabi ko sa kaniya na simulan na niya ang pagkuha. Sabi niya nababaliw na daw ako dahil hindi ko daw alam ang ginagawa ko. I won't retort to that because it's a bit real. I have the tendency to decide recklessly without caring what would happen next. But that time, I told him that I wanted everything to be real and not downright scripted. The bad thing about movies and television shows is that we don't get to see what happens at the back of the camera. We often edit the mess to make it more beautiful, because we fuss about the outcome of it. And I don't wanna fake it. I don't want to fool the people who would see, read and hear about the story. I want them to get into every details of it." I looked at her. "I think you could see that with the write up I gave you. We prepared three. One video documentary, one official write-up and my love letter for South Cotabato. Ma'am, those were my best shots. Makikita niyo naman po sa video 'yung struggles namin ni Ran. The trouble of having to evacuate because of the cruel mud and rain. The bravery he showed when he took his camera while we're taking the zipline to be able to take a good shot of the other falls in Lake Sebu. Because as what they say, Lake Sebu is the banner of their tourism. We did all of our activities in the morning because it's rainy during the afternoon. Nasira pa ang camera ni Ran dahil dito. Bandang huli, GoPro na lang ang naging sandigan namin. Nagmukha tuloy isang malaking indie film 'yung lakad namin na 'yun." Ngumit ako. "And the best thing about it, is that it was real. We didn't sugar coat things. We offered the best that we can. I thought that maybe I'm going to screw it because I was stubborn. I've been a temperamentally rebellious writer for that. But I've realized that sometimes, things get messed up and blaming yourself wouldn't really do you any good. You just got to work on what's left, and maximize them. Because we can't expect everything to work out according to how we've planned them. I don't want to make myself believe that it's okay to lie at my face just to please other people. I don't want to become the kind of writer who would jeopardize the truth, just to get a glimpse of someone else's approval. Anyway, I'm not proposing a pre-nuptial or an official wedding video in here, wherein the editor tries to hide the hustle of the moment. Because it has to be beautiful. Nobody should see how the real preparation stings. It has to be perfect, like some sort of a movie or whatever. I'm not here for that. I'm giving you a documentary, something that would honestly present facts about people and real time events. I mean, why would I try to put something in multi-colored when they're better off black and white?" Muli akong ngumiti. Bahala na. Que sera sera. "Ma'am, I took the risk. I don't want to return home thinking about the what could have beens. I don't want to spend my life contemplating about the what if's. Just do it. Jump into the cliff, when you fall, regret and die. At least, you did it. That's what matters most, right? When you don't hold back and when you put all of your cards on the table, regardless. 'Cross the bridge when you get there. For now, enjoy the alligators'. That's what Miss Yohanne told me. It has now gotten into me. Don't prolong the agony, but savor the pain." I shrugged and added, "Well, that, for me, is something." Kinagat ko ang aking labi. Katapusan na ng buhay ko. Wala na akong aasahan pa. Wala na akong babalikan. Sinira ko na ang lahat.
