Chapter 82
Hindi ako marunong umarte. I'm not good when it comes to portraying someone that I'm not, or acting otherwise of what I really feel. And at the very least, I usually spoil my act whenever I try to pull one. But since the day he came back, I've been bottling everything up just so I could keep him beside me. Not that I'm being possessive, because in the first place, I don't have any right to be. It's more of keeping all that was left of me.
And heaven knows how much I'm struggling right now. Napakahirap magtulug-tulugan sa biyahe. Not to mention, a long one. Kanina, muntik na akong mabahing, pero dahil in character ako dapat, mind over matter na lang ang pinagana ko. Ngalay na ngalay na rin ako dahil pinili kong humarap sa bintana para hindi ko siya makita. Pero nakakaumay na ang kadiliman. There's nothing to be fancied since it's dark. And I've done my best attempts to fall asleep, but the thought of him sitting beside me keeps me awake. It's terrible.
What's worse? He's playing good music which annoyed me because it gives too much nostalgia. Mula nang maghiwalay kami, hindi na ako nakikinig ng kanta sa loob ng sasakyan. Whenever I'm with my friends, I would always try my best to get the shotgun seat to easily stop them from turning the radio or the music player on. Kapag naman nakasakay ako sa taxi, pinapatigil ko sa driver ang kanta-ganoon kalakas ang epekto sa akin ng paghihiwalay namin. Kapag kasi nakikinig ako ng kanta, naaalala ko kaming dalawa. I always remember our banters while guessing who is the singer of this song and that, on what album was it released, and so on. Sometimes, we will pause for a while and give harmony to the song. We're silly as that. I'll do the alto and he'll do the second voice. Minsan, may mga funny guitar riffs act pa siya gamit ang mga kamay niya. Basically, it reminds me of him-so much of him.
Kanina, pagpasok ko pa lang sa kotse niya, bumungad na sa akin ang kanta ng The Maine. I sighed out of frustration that time. And as much as I wanted to kill his joy, I just remained quiet and told him that I want to sleep because I'm tired. That was partly true. Pagod naman talaga ako dahil sa trabaho, pero mas pagod na akong maramdaman siya. I'm so done with feeling the fireworks in my stomach. They're too much to bear.
Whenever I'm with him, I feel like the crevices in our little universes are collapsing. How will I ever be able to get over all of these? How will I even stare at him without feeling his eyes crack my bones? How will I move on when his voice still resonates down to the deepest part of my soul? How can I pretend that I don't want him when all of me is screaming otherwise?
Not being able to tell and show him all these things is complete torture. It's frustrating.
I sighed and slowly moved. It was a dramatic act, as if waking up from a deep slumber. But the truth is, I haven't even blinked my eyes.
"I'm sorry, did I wake you up?" he asked, tuning down his music player. Ngayon pa talaga siya nagtanong ng ganiyan. Kanina pa kaya ako distracted sa music niya. Pero hayaan na, at least, tumahimik na ang Before You Exit sa pagkanta ng Soldier. Masamang alaala lang naman ang binibigay nila sa akin.
"Nope." I faked a yawn. Matagal ko ng tinanggap na hindi talaga ako pwede sa showbiz. Kaya wala na sa akin kung gross ang acting ko na 'yun. I don't care anymore. "Matagal pa ba ang stop over? Gutom na ako," reklamo ko. That was the first thing I told him tonight-ugh, morning?
"Few minutes. Seasons na tayo. Lugaw?" he asked.
"Of course! Who goes to Seasons stop over without trying their lugaw?" I was a bit confident with that, but that was an irrational inference, I know.
Kunwari ay nagpunas pa ako ng mata, para may effect. And as far as my observation is concerned, it looks like he's buying my pretense. Good thing!
