Chapter 42
Jillian’s POV
Paglabas ko ng bahay nina Ran, agad akong naghanap ng taxi. Pinara ko ito at nagpahatid ako hanggang sa Town Square. .
I was sobbing the whole time. I didn’t care although I know right now, the driver’s already thinking if I was stupid or whatever. I didn’t care enough. I was hurt and that was the only thing clear right now.
I know it was a sudden outburst. Sobrang fed up lang kasi ako sa mga nalaman ko. Alam ko din naman na mali ang mga sinabi kong iyon. I know I could have been a little more sensitive. They were badly hurt, too. I should have considered the fact that it was painful to lose someone you love.
Napasandal ako sa bintana ng taxi. Dahan dahang umagos ang mga luha sa mga mata ko. Hindi ko maintindihan. Gusto ko namang maging rational, but my heart’s weighing the pain I’m feeling and it’s consuming me. Kahit na iniisip ko na okay lang, hindi talaga. Hindi ko kayang lokohin ang sarili ko. Niloko na nila ako, hindi ko na dapat pang gawin iyon sa sarili ko.
My phone vibrated and Van’s name appeared on the screen.
Let’s talk, Jillian. Please?
I ignored the message and immediately threw my phone inside my bag. There’s nothing to talk about. Everything was clear. Pinoprotektahan ko din naman sila, eh. Kaya nga hindi ko masabi sa mga kaibigan ko ang mga nangyayari sa akin. Gusto ko silang intindihin kaya hindi ko magawang magkwento. Pakiramdam ko tuloy sasabog na ako.
“Dito na lang po,” saad ko at inabot ko ang bayad ko sa taxi driver. Bumaba ako sa may tabi ng fountain at saglit akong nagpahinga doon.
Umupo ako sa bench at linanghap ko ang kaginhawaan na binibigay ng kapaligiran. It was peaceful and it’s soothing the inner battle. Buti na lamang at gabi na, hindi na masyadong pansin ng mga tao ang pag-iyak ko. Isa pa, it wouldn’t hurt if they mention my clamant. What they think is none of my business after all.
While I was being consoled by the ataraxis, everything that had happened suddenly flashed back. It was all at once. It devoured my whole system. The pain was so selfish; it didn’t even give me a solace.
And then, I started wondering why it hurt so much. Umiling ako.
Come on, Jillian. You know. Of course, you do. I hate the fact that I was starting to doubt myself for who I am. That’s one of the scariest things that could ever happen to a person: when you don’t trust yourself anymore.
I’m such a pain in the neck and I knew better than anyone else. Sana hindi na lang sila nagpanggap na gusto nila ako. Sana dati pa lang sinabi na nila na kaya nila ako minahal ay dahil ibang tao ang nakikita nila sa akin. Hindi iyong pinagmukha nila akong tanga. I could handle pain, if only the truth was laid before their lies swallowed me whole. I felt like I was cheated. They did things under my nose.
I fished for my phone and skimmed through Cyrus’ messages. After that, I went to check our photos. I missed him so much it pains me. Sana nandito na lang siya para mayroong dadamay sa akin. Kahit naman hindi niya alam ang pinagdadaanan ko, lagi pa rin siyang nasa tabi ko. Minsan, kapag nalulungkot ako, hindi niya ako pinipilit na magsalita, yayakapin niya lang ako. When I’m wallowing over my wretched life, he would tell me, “You’ll be okay. This too shall pass.” But most of the times, without having to say a word, I will find refuge in him amidst the storms I’m facing.
