Chapter 49
Lumalalim na ang gabi. Kanina pa kami magkasama pero pakiramdam ko ay ngayon ngayon lang kami nagkita. Mula nang sabihin ko sa kaniya ang nararamdaman ko hindi niya pa rin siya makapagsalita ng maayos. It’s like all of a sudden all of his guts had faded. He got lost running around this love I have for him.
The silence was broken when I heard him clearing his throat. It’s funny because it’s like I’m seeing myself on him. See, Cyrus? Whenever you act like one heck of a sappy guy, you could probably kill me an instant. You always leave me breathless. Then, everything becomes insignificant because I feel like I am unable. I’m incapable of making sense.
“Don’t sell yourself short. You deserve better than that,” I kidded. I let out an annoying laugh because of that. Malakas ang loob ko na mang-inis dahil halatang halata sa kaniya na hindi siya makapaniwala na nasabi ko ang lahat ng ‘yun. I’m never the kind of person who’s terribly mushy. I suck when it comes to making my feelings known to someone. “Let’s go?” Tumayo ako at hinila ko ang kamay niya.
Ngunit hindi siya sumunod. He was still sitting down there looking at me. “So that’s how it is, huh? You have your way in me and you want me to get lost?” he asked seriously. Natahimik ako dahil sa tanong niyang ‘yun. I hate him when he asks this kind of question. Unti-unting yumukos ang kaninang nakangisi kong mukha.
“I . . . I . . .” I bit my lip out of frustration. I can’t even talk.
He hushed me by slowly pulling my hand down. I was in absolute surrender. I just realized I was sitting back to my position.
It was freaking awkward afterwards. It’s like making a called for mistake, like laughing in a funeral. You feel ashamed of what you have just done but you know that you had to let that laugh out because you’re too suffocated with the melancholy. Minsan ganoon, kailangan kong sabihin ang isang bagay para gumaan ang pakiramdam ko, para din maiparamdam ko sa kaniya ang nasa puso ko, pero kapag ginagawa ko ‘yun, nagmumukha akong tanga. It’s not like he’s trying to make me feel like that, but it’s because I’m not this kind of person. I am his when I’m with him. I’m not even me anymore. He’s more myself than I am.
“Uhm, Cyrus,” sambit ko. I feel obliged of starting a new conversation. Good heavens, what is happening to me?
He looked back at me. He really has beautiful eyes. The kind you get lost in. And I guess I did. I always do, over and over.
I looked at him like a blind man seeing the sun for the first time. Lately, I have been taking it as a delight to notice these little things about him. From the way he moves his feet to the way he runs his fingers through his hair. From the way he stares to the way he gets lost at something subtle. I guess that’s how it goes. When you love someone, everything minimal about him is being magnified.
“Why?” he asked.
“I haven’t thanked you yet for taking care of me. Sorry for causing so much trouble. Pero salamat talaga. Hindi ko alam kung paano kita pasasalamatan sa lahat ng bagay na ginagawa mo para sa akin. For me, your love is one of the greatest unmerited favors I have ever received from God. I can’t thank Him enough, too, by giving me you. I’m overwhelmed by your love. I am captivated by the beauty of your soul.” Pinunasan ko ang mga luha na pumapatak sa mga mata ko. And these tears are out of the gratefulness of my heart. “Thank you for calling Mitch. Thank you for respecting me so much. Some people may say that it’s stupid. Madalas sinasabi nila na pointless ‘yung relasyon natin, ‘di ba? Sinasabi nila na masyado tayong ma-conviction. They say we’re weird because we are set apart. We are unlike the others. Our love is a flame which burns a like fire in the rushing ocean.” I laughed. What am I babbling about? Why am I exactly being ludicrous right now?
