The little things

I'm used to it.

Isn't it strange, that I have been hurt enough times to just turn around and say

'I'm used to it.'

And the amount of times I've said it just increases because I keep getting hurt.

And I have seen the faces of my friends show endless amounts of emotions, without even moving, I see their pain, and their pity and their sympathy in their eyes, as I stand there and say it again, expressionless, emotionless, painless. And yet they have never once tried to stop the hurt.

When it was still a new thing, when I wasn't used to it, when it still hurt, they had no time to care, no time to listen to me complain. That's one thing I don't do anymore, complain. Because of I ever did they'd tell me to grow up, suck it up, shit happens deal with it and that there's people in worse positions than me.

And that made me feel two things, first, that no matter who you are, what position you are in, when you're hurt you feel like no one could have it worse and it's not because you're self centred it's because you're hurt and what you need is support, not abandonment and being told to suck it up or deal with it.

And second, it makes you feel like a bitch, because you go 'they're right, there are people in worse situations than me and I'm complaining about this petty little thing, (no matter how big or small it actually is) and I'm such a bitch for it, I don't deserve anything I have when I'm such an ungrateful bitch!!'

And the guilt and the anger grows inside of you, it gets worse and worse until you either snap or break.

If you snap you become hostile, you lash out and hurt those you love.

If you break, you cry a lot, you become over emotional and you shut everyone out.

I have done both so many times. And what comes with that is like breaking a curse there are only three ways out of.

First, you heal everything gets better, no more people hurting you.

The second is simple, if it evidently isn't getting better and you don't want anymore pain, your only option is death.

Or there's the painful method, you break and snap, over and over and over. It's painful, it isn't pretty and it's like a living hell but eventually, you've done it so many times, it doesn't hurt any more, you become numb.

And as your way of showing that you survived that pain and that torture, that you are finally numb, when someone hurts you next, you just turn around and say

'I'm used to it.'

Originally published 22nd February 2015