The little things

Trying and crying

So I have debated for a long time about posting this but I decided it was time. So as you may be able to tell I haven't been updating anything as much as I used to. In fact it becomes more of a surprise if I do update now rather than when I don't.

And I know I have apologised a thousand times for it. Give hiatus warnings, removed stories entirely, explained myself a hundred times.

Well here's 101.

Basically I started hating my writing, it was difficult to generate ideas, turn ideas in to poems that made some form of sense and then actually like it.

So instead I started cheating. I would promote other people's work, steal song lyrics or sections from other poems, I even got so lazy I posted videos of other people's poems or spoken word pieces, or got stuff from school or other people's ideas.

And now I realise all that stuff is okay, but at the time I felt really bad about it and decided I should probably stop publishing poetry.

Then I created a book called music helps where I would post music, so it wasn't even mine, then write out the lyrics and then I got so lazy I would just post the music, usually with an apology about the quality of it being a cover.

After that I realised that the updates on my other books were so few and far between and of such poor quality that I just removed them to be completed in private and republished at a later date. Though really they're no further on than when I took them down.

And suddenly it wasn't just Wattpad anymore, it was my schoolwork and my sports and my music. And I just lost all enthusiasm and motivation to do anything. I couldn't even put effort into friendships.

And that is how I am at this point now. Basically I try and try and try, to do everything, and I put so much pressure on myself that I just breakdown and cry. This isn't to get your pity but you should know this.

And I've managed to get back on track with some sport. And I can labour my way through a day at school, I enjoy my music but not in the way I used to.

My friendships are still rocky, mostly it's me faking smiles and hoping no one asks me anything.

But with my writing I'm still stuck. I want to write. But I can't. I can't exactly explain it but for hours I have sat staring at blank pieces of paper, blank notebooks, blank word documents, blank Wattpad chapters. Even my freaking diary is blank, Any form of writing is blank.

I'm basically stuck in a rut. And I don't know what to do. And for that I am sorry.

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This piece was originally written on the 20th September 2015 at 23:55, but was never published and has reminded in my drafts, unpublished for a year and a half.
I finally decided to publish it because, although some of it is no longer relevant, some of it is more poignant than ever.

— Belle X