The little things

Loneliness

What does loneliness feel like? Until recently I thought I never knew.

Until recently I never considered myself a lonely person, even when by myself I never felt alone. In fact I've often said to people that I prefer to be on my own.

I've never said I was a lonely person because I didn't know what loneliness felt like; and the descriptions that everyone gave for how it felt never fit with anything I've ever felt.

And suddenly I realised, that I was lonely. I am lonely.

It's not necessarily a hollow feeling like everyone says, that only comes in the darkest moments, it's a constant feeling though.

It's the feeling of walking to and from class by yourself, every class of everyday, but not really noticing. It's the feeling of wanting to sigh when someone says pair, duet or team.

It's the minute awareness that you're an outsider, that no matter who it is you think about, there's always somebody else they'd rather be with than you.

It's the feeling you get when you've been watching too many movies and tv series and you think to yourself, 'why don't I have any relationships like that?' whether it's romantic or friendships.

It's a sort of longing for something you've possibly never had, and possibly never will.

For me, it's a feeling I've had my whole life, so of course I didn't notice I was lonely, that feeling was my norm and it's only now I'm older that I realise, you aren't supposed to feel like this.

But I can't claim to be entirely innocent, by brain seems to have a preprogrammed auto self destruct. If I get close to anyone, if I form a good relationship, I find a way to mess it up.

If I look back, I can pinpoint each moment where it went wrong, each moment where the decision I made changed the course of what was to come, to inevitably make myself alone.

No more than a month ago I sat crying, sobbing that I was lonely, that all I wanted was a friend. All my good grades and achievements are worth nothing, compared to having a truly good friend.

Everyday something happens, or I think of something, and I want to talk with someone about it, then I realise I don't have anyone to tell.

Loneliness is this strange thing, and ever since I found it, it takes over my everyday. I long to get rid of it, but have yet to find how.

I'm only human, and sometimes I need someone.