Freedom: Levi Fanfiction

| Depths of Despair

36

** There will be a switch in POV from now on :) - a/n: yeah, 3rd person is hard to write wtf -**

The color of my ceiling wasn't really white. That was my observation after staring at it for a few hours. In fact, it had splotches of mold on the edges. Levi would be disgusted upon seeing it. Lucky for him, he wasn't the one blankly staring at the ceiling while drowning in thoughts.

         It had been seven hours since the assault on Stohess. The Military Police had already taken Erwin, probably talking to the city mayor about the damage he's done. The commander wasn't joking when he said nobody would bat an eye unless it's him. Because, just like he said, Erwin was the one most responsible for everything. 

The vast night sky was littered with splotches of shining, white stars. But I didn't care for it. I was busy feeling deeply upset in silence. For humanity... is what I kept telling myself, following Erwin's words. Those were the things Erwin had drilled into my head years ago. Humanity this, humanity that, everyone keeps fighting for humanity. I fought for humanity-- which, mind you,  almost caused MY death. 

         A chuckle escaped my lips. That was dumb. My sacrifice meant nothing at all. I should've saved mother. I should've never pretended to be a good soldier. I should've been selfish.

I jolted up, reaching for the small medal on my bedside table. I stared hard at it. The mint-green circular-shaped pendant had the survey corps' wings of freedom inside. For some reason, it annoyed me. As if there was something super aggravating about the medal. And that annoyance caused a groan from my lips, throwing the medal aside. 

         There was anger in my heart. I was mad at myself. Had I made different decisions, things would've turned out different. The conflict was all that resided in my mind. I wanted to be mad at humanity. But looking back, I began to question myself. Why did I even bother to risk my life? Why did I even bother to join the scout regiment? 

Because that was who I was. I was driven by anger but after receiving love and affection from my second family, I realized something. I cared deeply for people. For children. 

          And yet... I've killed so many just from the incident a few hours ago. Tears welled in my eyes. Once the first drop rolled down my cheek, the rest followed like a waterfall. Soon enough, those tears began to burn. My eyes were bloodshot. And I even felt like there was a lump on my throat. It felt like I was eating salt just from my tears-- disgustingly so. Breathing became hard when crying turned into bawling. 

What have I done for the past ten years? I did nothing heroic. I did nothing to help save humanity. My comrades keep dying in front of me. I'm nothing. I'm not special. I'm not a hero. I am just... painfully human. 

        It's a wonder how I haven't died yet. How the hell did I even survive that fall? Granted, it did seem like I wasn't high enough in the air. But still, things like that make me wonder if I had a purpose in life. 

Digging my face into my pillow, I bawled my eyes out. Three knocks on the door disrupted my breakdown. Hesitantly, I stood up and wiped off my tears. It's probably Levi. It must be him. All the time, he'd come to save me from whatever as if I summoned him. All the damn time. I owe him a lot now that I think about it. That man had done nothing but stay on my side. 

        Surprise, it was him. He looked at me, face slightly showing concern. Forget slight. He looked at me as if I had the worst injury-- brows curled up and lips in a tight frown. "You were crying?"