Trieja: Jake And Josh [Under Revision]

Chapter 40

I'm not pregnant.

'Yan ang paulit-ulit na tumatakbo sa isipan ko. Hindi ako buntis. 'Di ako nabuntis. At kahit kailan, hinding-hindi ako mabubuntis.

Ilang araw akong nagkukulong sa kwarto... ilang araw na rin kinukulit ng mga asawa ko si Doctor Javier ang tungkol sa binalita niya pero wala pa rin itong maibigay na eksplenasyon.

Of course, wala siyang maibibigay na explanation sa amin because I refuse to go out and let Doctor Javier perform medical procedures to me.

Natatakot ako.

Natatakot akong malaman na baog ako at hindi magkakaroon ng anak. Paano kung malaman nina Jake iyon? Ano na ang mangyayari sa aming tatlo?

Suminghot ako at pinalis ang luhang lumandas sa pisngi ko. This is the day I've been dreading. Ang malaman kung baog ba ako o hindi. My family has history of the inability to conceive. Though, malabo ng magkaroon pa ng baog sa pamilya namin... what are the odds, right?

"Claire, my wife? It's me, Jake."

Ilang araw na rin nila akong kinakatok, but I kept the door locked. Ayaw kong makita nila akong ganito. I don't want to see their smiling faces for the last time. Kasi... what if...

What if mawalan sila ng gana sa akin dahil 'di ko sila kayang bigyan ng anak? Paano na ako? Obviously, every human being doesn't want to be married with a person like me. I've seen it with my own eyes. At alam na alam 'yon nina Jake because I told them my story.

But they never let me be. Pinapasok nila ang kwarto without my permission to bring me food everyday. At hanggang doon lang iyon, and I am thankful of them for that. They respect my decision to be alone.

Nakatunganga ako sa makapal na windowsill, pinapanood ang maliwanag na kalangitan. This day is as clear as the cloudless blue sky. So clear it heated my anger. Bakit parang ang saya pa ng panahon? Diba dapat malungkot din ito dahil yun ang nararamdaman ko sa loob ng ilang araw?

Bakit hindi ito nakikisabay sa akin? This isn't the same as what I always read in romance books. The weather should be on my side... yet it's so calm and pure. Its silence is deafening, adding more sorrow to this grief.

"Claire?"

Mama Jennette's soft voice did not calm down the anger within me.

"Ano pong ginagawa niyo rito?", I asked without looking at her.

"I'm worried about you... anak."

I scoffed. For the many days I've been with them, ngayon niya lang ako tinawag sa ganyan na paraan. Why? Is it because I'm sad? Does everyone around me thinks that I can be helped just by softening their voices... plastering worried expression on theirs faces... calling me in the most sincere and purest endearments that I could ever hear from them just to comfort me?

Kasi kung oo... it's working.

Lumandas ang butil ng luha sa aking pisngi. Stupid tears. Stupid misery. Stupid grief. Why do I have to suffer like this?

I can see in the corner of my eye that she sat on the windowsill as well, facing me.

"Bakit po hindi ako buntis?"

A tear escaped Mama Jennette's eyes when I looked her in the eye.

"Oh, honey, why is your eyes like that? Sobrang lungkot and lifeless?", she said almost sobbing.

Is she crying for me? Or for the baby that's never existed in this world?

Hindi ako nagsalita at tinitigan lang siya.