Behind the smile

Prelude

For a long time, I've been dealing with depression. It's a harsh disease that affects everything in your daily life. You can be in your happiest moments in life then your mind cracks with the worst thoughts. Depression has you so weak, so vulnerable and lost. You feel like even when you're in a room full of family, friends, and loved ones that you're alone. Wanting to be loved or getting attention makes you feel like a burden, everything you do never feels like it'll be good enough. You hate to be alone. Screaming for someone to reach out and help you, but hide it with a smile, never really want to share your problems, your sadness cause you feel as no one cares. You push away people unintentionally and cripple yourself more. You feel as though you're a child trapped in a dark room crying but no one is there, no one can hear. A deep rift in the heart that fills with tears every night. You feel as though you're a burden to life itself. You're never wanting to open yourself up and let people get close cause you feel as though you're just going to create more sadness around them, let alone yourself. You make up excuses of not going out and being around people to only sit there and cry in your home. You would stay the whole night thinking how things didn't work out for you and blame yourself when the problem wasn't in you in the first place.