JUST IN TIME (Author's Reco)

27TH OF SEPTEMBER

JENNIE

           
My body is so weak while I am packing my things. Maybe two luggage are enough for two months of stay in London. If the Chanel HQ will be successful and as soon as I can get trusted people to work there for my company, I'm all good and will be back to Korea immediately.

           
My phone keeps ringing. Ugh. I have been avoiding this person lately. I have told him that we should stop seeing each other as I really can't be in a relationship. I have tried dating men but I don't know, I really do not last long. Maybe relationships aren't for me. Never even had a serious and official relationship in anyone of them.

           
Robbie. He's been courting me for two years now. We go out. But we never had sex. There's this feeling inside me like I'm cheating if I let myself be touched by him. And I am really not sexually attracted to him. Never been attracted to any guys. That's why Irene is always saying that I am just using them for my appearance to look like normal to the public. Well, I have been in denial. You know that. You know I have been telling myself and people that I am straight. I am not really sure. I don't know.

R: Jen, where are you? Been calling you.

J: Rob, I'm busy. My flight's tonight and I really don't have time today. And we've talked already. Please. Stop. This is not going to work. I have been telling you that for months now.

R: Just give me a chance. Did I do something wrong?

J: You did not. It's me. I am not ready. Please?

R: You're always not ready. Ugh. I'll wait, Jen.

           
I can't take it anymore. He's too pushy. I just ended the call and continued with my thing. He's a nice guy but I can feel something is unusual about him. I feel like he's not being real. It's like he's hiding something from me. Or maybe I just don't have any feelings towards him. I tried but I really couldn't force myself.

           
Before leaving Korea, I visited my Doctor first to have my mind consulted. I am unstable. Been depressed for years. My guilt has been controlling my body ever since. People may see me as this elegant and strong woman, but what they do not know is I am struggling inside. I am full of fears. I keep hiding. I keep fighting whatever the fuck it is that even myself has no idea about. Since high school, I have been living in the dark. I have always been inside this suffocating room that I can't figure out until now.

           
Yes, I am clinically diagnosed with depression. I am just so lucky that my Psychiatrist is so patient with me. She's even the one who calls me from time to time and reminds me about my meds and therapy. She's really concerned of my mental health. Her sister who is a Psychologist too is the one who has been helping me on my therapy sessions.

           
They have been trying to help me, but the key is still within myself. I am trying. I am learning. But there's something inside me that always holds back my strength.

My goal before was to create a name for myself in the fashion industry since it was already given that I'm taking over Chanel. I did. I made myself known to people. I got the fame and respect around me. I brought the brand somewhere it's destined to be. But still, I am afraid of coming out. I'm afraid of what people may say about me. Four years ago, I realized that I am empty. So, with the help of my therapist, we figured things out. She asked me to find my happy place. I tried so many things. I have travelled in places. I got along with new people in my life. I had fun. I enjoyed my moment. But at the end of the day when I see myself being alone, the truth comes out.

           
And without any force, two people come inside my head that make me smile unintentionally. Lisa and Rion. They make my heart be in place we call home. And that's the only time I can feel genuine happiness. That happy place is called home. A home that maybe I'll never have a chance to be in anymore.