JUST IN TIME (Author's Reco)

SHE'S MY PEACE OF MIND

JENNIE

I scheduled a meeting with Blackbird today. I'm hurting but I know too that I have to think of Chanel. My employees have families to feed. This is not just about me.

Lisa has been looking at me from time to time. I can't understand what's the point of this meeting when all they're pointing out are negative effects when we push through with the ads.

"Why did it suddenly became like this? I thought we were positive of what we try to convey to the consumers?" I spoke up already. Everything went quiet.

"You know you can just all tell me if you're not accepting this project. Lisa, what is this? Can you all go straight to the point? Are you taking Chanel or not? God. My employees rely on me and I can't let them be hungry as well as their families. Tell me now. I need to know. Stop giving me false hopes." I said.

Lisa adjourned the meeting. I cried on my chair. My head is so messed up.

We're both left alone inside the meeting room.

"What else do you want? I just didn't let you fuck me because I love you so much. I also gave you the deal you want. Call me selfish again. But I am just thinking of the people who work for me too." I am begging. I am controlling my anger.

"I'm-- I'm sorry. I think, I can't do this, Jen. Every time you're here or with me, I am hurting Sam. She doesn't speak about it but I know she has been hurting." There. Spilled.

"Yeah. Okay. Can we just do it professionally?" I asked.

"Jennie, I-- I can't. You know how weak I am when it comes to you." She said as she walked towards me.

I stood up before she reached me.

"Very clear. I don't have the right to get mad too. Okay. Clear as the waters. I am happy that you finally made up your mind." I said wiping my tears.

"Can't you really give me a chance? Okay. Let's forget about Chanel.

How about us? Can you give me clarity? You're making me hope since I came here, Lisa. You showed me that there's still a chance for us. I know that I can't compete with Sam in your life and I never will. I know what she feels too. What are you doing? Sleep with her in the morning then fuck me at night?

I am hurting too, Lisa." My tears are becoming so heavy.

"I-- I asked her already. I asked her to marry me, Jen."

My tears kept flowing. I couldn't move. She tried to touch me but I gestured stopping her to come near me.

"Yeah. Okay. All I want for you is to be happy." I said while crying. My voice is shaking.

She pulled me and hugged me tight.

"I am sorry, Jen. I am so sorry. Believe me, every love that I made you feel when we're together since you came back were true. I didn't fool you. Okay?

I am so sorry. I felt like I just can't live without Sam in my life. She gives me the peace of mind I need." She tries to explain. I am not hugging her back. I just cry and cry.
(Mahirap kalaban ang peace of mind kahit gaano ka pa ka ganda, yaman o kahit matagal na kayo, pag hindi mo yan nabibigay o napaparamdam sa taong mahal mo, hindi magiging maayos ang lahat. -Author)

"Yes, I know. Maybe I am not really capable. I have proven. Remember why I left before? I was scared that I couldn't give you the peace of mind that you need. I was right. I am not the one for you. Thank you for proving it.

You know, I just tried my luck. I have changed. I am so much willing to become the person for you now. I am learning. Because I love you. Not just because we have a child. I love you because that's how I feel.

But we can't force love. Maybe the world just wanted us to meet again to realize that we are not really meant for each other. Or maybe this is the consequence of my stupidity when in fact, I just wanted to love myself too.

Because how can I fully love you before if I never had it for myself?

Okay. I'm backing off. I'm out of this project and in your life.

But please let Rion be with me. Please? I am going back to Korea tomorrow. Didn't realize I stayed more than two months here already, aiming to make it up to you.

Will you allow me to take him with me? I promise, I'll bring him back here before the school starts again. I just want to spend more time with my son. Only if you'll allow me, Lisa. Of course, I won't insist if you will not permit."
I asked. Still trying to compose myself.

She cupped my face. Kissed me. I cried more. She's wiping my tears. She's crying too.

"Of course. He's your son.

Jen, I just want you to know that I came up with this decision not because I don't love you. You know how much I love you. It's just that, I am not sure if I can live with you everyday. I'm used to have Sam in my life. Please never think you're not enough. Don't ever think that because you left me before, I am doing this as a revenge now. It's not like that.

Sam has been there. She never gave up on me. And maybe now I can also give her what she deserves.

I tried to build us together again. She understood. But every time I am with you, I am just hurting myself. And it pains me more that I am hurting Sam.

She was there when I had nothing. It came to a point that I had no money to feed Rion, Jen.

I skipped my own meal just to have something to put in his stomach.

You were not there during the time I needed you the most because there are things that only a mother can give to him. And Sam was the one who fulfilled it.

She had me at my darkest, Jen. She saw all my shortcomings, but she never left me. She never walked away when I was drowning, but she lifted me up instead. She made me feel that she's sure about me.

I am so sorry." She said and kneeled.

I immediately stopped her before she drop her knees on the floor.

I hugged her so tight.

"All I wish is for you to be happy. I know she's the only one who can take care of you like no one else can. Promise me, you won't hurt her. Okay? Okay, Lis?"
I said crying. She nodded while wiping her tears. She attempted to kiss me for the very last time.

But I walked away. I should be strong. These are the consequences of my mistakes. But I need to be okay. I have to be okay. I have son. I won't let this affect him.