Jealousy

Part 1

Beam

I can't stop. It's the nights that's the worst. Sighing, I get out of bed and walk to the window and look out, staring at the city lights. I miss you, Forth. It's that simple. You should be here, beside me.

The doctor told me that if I can't sleep, don't stay in bed, get up and do something. Well, it's 2 a.m. in the morning and I've got work tomorrow. What the hell am I supposed to do right now? There's only so much binge watching you can do, reading you can do or work you can bring home...

I know, I've done it all in the attempt to forget you. I've even fantasized about you until my hand was sore. Grimacing, as the thought makes my dick twitch.

Fuck, when will this damn desire for you subside and I can go on with my damn life? It's been five years already since you slammed the door closed on us!

Sighing, I turn from the window and slowly walk to the kitchen and decide to finally eat. I only ate once in the past 24 hours. I wonder if you would even recognize me? I look so different now, all the baby fat gone. I lost so much weight, going to the gym, anything to forget.

But in reality, I just didn't have an appetite with you gone. I never realized how much I invested in you until you were gone. The egg fried rice comes together fast and I shovel it into my mouth quickly, not even tasting the food.

Still restless, I step on the treadmill and start walking, working my way up to a jog. I set the timer for 30 minutes, knowing that I should be well exhausted by then. I need some sleep or tomorrow will be a day from hell.

Finally, sweaty and tired, I take a quick shower and sleep at 3:30 a.m. At 7 a.m., my alarm goes off and groaning, overtired, I sit on the edge of my bed. I don't want to go to work but know that Phana, now a department head, will rake me over the coals.

I envy Kit who dropped medical school. I should have done the same. I should have followed Forth the way he wanted me to. I have so many regrets they weigh me down. Instead, I smile and lie.

Instead, I let them all hit on me. All the men and women and refuse them gently. They now call me LaserBeam, not Cassanova. I shoot the hearts of my suitors dead. I should laugh. It leaves me sad and lonely.

Arriving at the hospital promptly at 8 a.m., Phana greets me and drags me into a nearby consulting room to ream me out for looking like a ghost. It's a weekly habit of his. He's the one who found the psychiatrist and forced me to go.

I know he's worried. I know he wants me to talk to him about Forth. I never have. I never will. How do you tell your lifelong friend your lover, your love of your life was so jealous that he left you over it? He walked out rather than understand that there was different types of love?

Forth is my cross to bear. My problem, if it is a problem...

Somehow, I've managed to get through another day. Thanking whatever god there is out there, it was Friday and I'm not on call. Phana's not either, so on these rare weekends, we meet up with Kit.

Kit's the only one of us who has a partner. He met a real sweet man. He's a real estate developer who suits him. He can tolerate his acerbic personality perfectly. I've never seen anyone deflate his crustiness with just a smile, but Bennie does.

The four of us, we never mention our University days. It's like Forth, Ming and Wayo never existed. Out of those youthful relationships, Ming and Kit lasted the longest. Well, until Kit cheated but to be fair, he didn't actually have sex... he fell in love.

Last I heard, Ming and Wayo finally got together. I'm happy for them. Wayo always depended on Ming way too much for Phana's liking. It drove him crazy while they were together.

Sighing deeply, I buckled my seatbelt and pulled out of the parking lot and into traffic. Halfway home, I pulled over, shaking. It had been years since I thought I had seen him. My hands shook on the steering wheel. I took them off and placed them in my lap.

"It's just a guy in black on a black Triumph. Lots of men ride them. Plenty." I tell myself. "It can't be Forth. He left Bangkok, saying he'd never return. He didn't want to breath the same air as me."

Still shaking after 10 minutes, I knew I needed help. I picked up the phone and called the doc. "Doc? It happened again." Dr. Pram calmed me down and told me to come, she had time for me.

Turning the car around, I headed back to the hospital. Dr. Pram was our senior. She graduated 3 years before I did, so I knew of her, but not her. Still, I was thankful. She was calm and reassuring and didn't tell me anything, just let me talk things out.

Walking into her office, I gave a small waii and plopped my butt into the chair and sighed. "I'm getting scared, Doc. I can't stop thinking of him. Now, I'm seeing him everywhere I go. I thought I stopped doing this years ago."

Doc gave her gentle smile and asked me if I had considered that my subconscious had unanswered questions to work out. If Forth was back in the forefront of my thoughts, there had to be a reason.

Shaking my head no, I was sure that I had considered everything at least three times in the past. "No Doc, I am positive I've dealt with everything."

Still she smiled and stayed silent giving me time to think.

Finally, I sighed and looked at her. "You think I'm trying to tell myself to find Forth for closure?"

She gave a small shrug. "It's your thoughts, Beam. You have to decide. I'm only here to help you clarify."

"Thanks, Doc." I got up and gave another waii. For the first time, I felt unsatisfied and uneasy leaving her office. If what I though was correct, then I needed to talk to Forth and say a proper goodbye.

Say what I should have said then... That I loved him more than anything in the world. Words he never gave me a chance to say before he slammed the door behind him.