Jealousy

Part 30

"What the fuck, Phana? How is this your fault?" I'm confused. I fucked up my own life, thank you very much. I know that much at least.

Still with his head to the ground, I can barely hear him. I want to move closer but I don't dare. Kit and Bennie can and suddenly they walk, confused, back to the car. Pha stands and moves closer. He sits on the bottom step of the porch.

"I need to say this to you alone, Beam. It's our secret." He sighs. "I've carried it for so long. You know, I wanted to be a doctor since I was fourteen." I nod. I used to make fun of him. "You're the reason why, Beam. I was always scared that I'd loose my best friend."

"What?" I'm stunned, no shocked. "Whatever gave you that idea at fourteen?"

"Did you know that my parents believe I'm gay because of you? I couldn't find the answers to the questions you were asking in any textbook? So I asked my parents. WE were fourteen, Beam. My parents are loving and supportive. I didn't know how different environments affect how mental development can change a person back then."

He's looking at his feet, not me. "I watched you self destruct over the years. Then you tried to kill yourself. I didn't know what to do that wouldn't damage our relationship yet get you the help you needed. I really didn't. I choose wrong. You needed help more than me." He glanced at my face and back at his feet.

"Then you met Forth and I thought, finally, I can rest. You're in good hands with him. But I was wrong. It was a moth to a flame relationship. You were burning so brightly. Forth was the flame. It was bound to sizzle out if you came too close. Then it happened. YOU stopped taking your medication, didn't you?"

Now it's my turn. I can't meet his eyes. He knows me too well, he'd see the truth instantly in my eyes.

Sighing yet again, he continued, "That night Forth left you, I was angry. I've never been so angry in all my life. Maybe scared and angry is better. I told Forth to fuck off and never see you again. I cursed myself for weeks afterwards."

"I should have dragged him back to see what he did to you." He's crying now, the tears are rolling down his face in a steady stream, snot begins to drip from his nose. "For years, I've watched you run and hide, trying to slowly self destruct. Trying to die because you can't have Forth."

"It was all my fault. Then I found him. Forth I mean. He was just as broken as you. I thought, if I bring two broken people together, I can make it all better." He wipes his snotty nose and a gasp of laughter escapes, "Beam, you are the most self destructive person I've ever met. You hurt everyone that day. I could only apologize to Forth because without him knowing your past, nothing made sense. Nothing."

I sit down. I can't stand. Phana didn't stab me in the back. At least, I don't think so but I need to ask. "How did Forth find out I tried to kill myself? Did you tell him?"

"No, not exactly. He guessed it when I told him that he never understood you. He needed to learn about depression. I left it at that."

I nodded. Forth was smart. He would have understood just from that to study up on depression.

"You were gone by the time I woke at Wayo's resort. We all looked for you. All of us. By the time we got back to Bangkok, you had handed in your resignation, your condo was locked and up for sale and your fucking lawyer wouldn't tell us a god damn thing." He rubbed his temples.

"Forth took the lead. He has the most flexibility in his schedule. Last week, I got a call from him saying he found you."

"And here you are." I finished. "What do you want from me, Pha?" I have to process this. I don't know if I will feel guilty or not, if I should forgive him or even if there is anything to forgive. Right now, it's a bit overwhelming.

"I don't know. I know I had to tell you my part in this... tragedy?" He shrugs. "We do love you, Beam. I've loved you for more than half my life. You're my brother, just like Kit. I want to dance at your wedding. I want to see you at Kit and Bennie's wedding."

Wait, what?

"They're what?"

"Fuck, Beam, are you not getting any of the letters we are writing?" Pha is pissed now.

"No, I got some. Let's see, the last batch came about five months ago, I think." I shrug. "Not sure, I told the lawyer not to send them to frequently." I hesitate and slowly say, "Pha, I need to think about all of this. I can't give you what you want, or maybe, I'll never be able too."

He nods and stands. "I'll let Kit and Bennie talk to you now. I've had my turn." I watch him walk away, my head bent. My heart is twisting, and I don't know why.

Kit runs over and tries to hug me again and I push him away. "Stay away, you fucking shit." I glare at Bennie. "Don't come any closer." I rub my sore jaw. "I don't trust either one of you. Say what you want and get out of my home."

Kit pouts. "You deserved it, Beam, for leaving and not saying good-bye, didn't he, Bennie?" Bennie looks at me, hurt.

"No, Kit, I told you he didn't." Kit screws up his face. "No." I laugh.

"Well, at least some things don't change. Why're you here, Kit?"

"I missed you." Simple minded Kit. "Didn't you miss us?"

"No, not really. You talk too much, Kit. How can I think if you are always talking?"

"Fuck you!" Kit's laughing, Bennie's laughing and I think, I did miss you but I won't admit it!

"Tell him," Bennie urges.

"Okay, okay." Kit reaches into the pocket of his coat and pulls out a white envelope, handing it to me. "We're getting married, Beam. We want you there, either as a best man, or just a guest. Whatever, but I can't get married without you."

I take the envelop slowly. "I'll think about it, Kit. I can't promise you anything right now, but I will consider it."

Before I can do anything, Bennie swoops in and bear hugs me. He lets me go, pats my shoulder gently and leaves.

Kit comes very close and whispers, "Call us often, especially Pha. He really misses you, Beam."

He waves good bye and I watch as they drive off. For a while, I feel eyes watching me but the feeling disappears. Slowly, I move back inside to clean my bedroom. Fresh bedding doesn't magically appear as much as I wish it would.