Jealousy

Part 10

Beam

Monday morning is overcast. A gloomy day for my gloomy mood. I spent 30 minutes on my treadmill this morning to try and loosen the muscles that stiffened up from too much sex. Nothing has helped to ease my sore ass. I down two more pain pills and head to work.

I'm going to do my best to avoid Phana today. I'm liable to punch him if he starts in with his Daddy routine. I haven't been this cranky since the first year Forth left me.

Why did he have to come back? Its been a constant refrain in my head. It circles around and around, like a vulture does with its meal but honestly, I haven't found a satisfactory answer. Am I his meal?

He definitely ate me. I looked at myself as I got dressed and I was speckled with dark red blotches that I hadn't seen in five years... once, they would have been a deep purple. Forth liked to suck in the same places, over and over.

Sighing, I wore a denim shirt, not my usual light linen. I needed a heavier, full coverage to hide the marks. Still, I looked damn good. The outfit suited the gloomy weather and my even gloomier mood. I walked into the hospital and headed for my hospital, glad that I didn't run into Pha.

Just to find him sitting in my chair behind my desk. "You prick!" I snap, motioning for him to get his ass out of my chair as I hang up my duster. He laughs as he moves to the guest chair.

"Good morning to you, as well. Do we have a hang over?" He mocks me lightly.

"Fuck you! No, I don't have a hang over. I'm tired." I unceremoniously drop into my chair, having forgot about my ass and wince. Phana didn't miss a thing.

"Are you okay? In pain?"

"I'm fine, I told you." I can't help that I'm snappish. I really didn't sleep well. The pain pills weren't all that effective. My subconscious knows that they don't work on the real problem - depression. 

I feel Phana eyeing me up and down. "Beam, you can dress yourself up all you want, but seriously, you look like hell. If you weren't drowning your sorrows in alcohol, what were you doing over the weekend?"

Glaring at him, I snap back, "What? You thought you could bring Forth Jaturapoom back into my life and things would be normal? Really? Go fuck yourself, Pha." I lean back in my chair, knowing the insult would roll of his back. It always does.

Sure enough, I hear him laughing. "Try again, Beam. I've said it before. Face him and your feelings and you will feel much better. Maybe even find someone new. I hear having your dick wet is good for you. Not that I can relate much."

He finally stood up and sighed, hands in his pockets. "I'm recommending another session with Doctor Pram, before you leave for the day." He walked to the door and because I didn't respond, he turned and looked back at me. "I mean it Beam, I will ask her if you showed up."

I waved a hand. "Fine, I'll go. Now, leave me alone. I need to review my patient load."

He walked out, closing the door gently behind him.

Mondays were not the busiest day in the hospital, Wednesday to Friday, with the weekends were. My patient load was fairly normal. I had rounds at 10 a.m. with a few consults in between. I shook my head sadly. It was not enough to keep my thoughts occupied. Could I transfer to ER? When I interned there, I never thought of Forth until I went to bed at night. 

Still, I picked up the phone and called Doc. She fit me in during lunch. It didn't bother me. I didn't bring one and rarely ate in the cafeteria. Everyone stared at me. 

Doc Pram and Phana laughed when I told them this. They said it was a good thing. I am a handsome man and should enjoy the attention. I want to be invisible. Disappear... 

Suddenly, a thought comes to me. I need a vacation! I haven't actually taken any time off in two years. I call the hospital administrator and put in for two days leave, Friday and the following Monday which he happily grants. 

I even know where I'm going. I AM going to disappear and I am not telling anyone where I am. Fuck Pha and his you can't do the MIA thing anymore! I NEED to find out who I am. Find out where Forth fits into my life today, not the Beam of five years ago. 

If he even does... is it something that I want to happen again? I've finally understood the real problem I'm having. It has nothing to do with love at all. I will always love Forth. Always.

I have to make up my mind to TRUST him with my heart, body and soul. I did that once. He never believed that I gave him anything other than my body. 

I met with Doc Pram. She knew instantly that I was at peace. 

"Well, Beam, I'm confused as to why Doc Phana told me that I needed to see you on an emergency basis today. From what I can tell, you are definitely much more stable than you were on Friday." She made a note in the file. "Is there anything else you'd like to share with me?"

I didn't tell her much about my plans, because I wasn't entirely sure how much the seal of confidentiality was between Phana and her. I needed my vacation in peace. I shook my head then changed my mind. There was the topic of Forth.

"I did see Forth. He's back. Phana brought him back into my life." I'm positive she heard the bitterness I tried to hide. 

"I see. Who are you angry with? Phana? Forth? Or yourself?"

"All three, Doc, all three. I have a lot of thinking yet to do before I can even go there." I freely admit it. "This is one place where I don't have to hide the fact that I am angry at myself more than anyone else."

I pick at a loose thread on my coat. "I made so many mistakes back then. I count "If's" not "sheep" to fall asleep."

Doc Pram smiles at me, "You need to learn to forgive yourself, Beam. It's human to make mistakes."

"Someday, Doc, someday." Standing up, I walk to the door and give a small waii. Before I leave, I thank her. More than anything, this woman has helped me. 

The rest of the week flies by. I carefully and sneakily finish my preparations. Phana had no clue I'm on vacation until it was announced at the Thursday morning staff meeting. He glares at me across the room. I shrug and smile. 

I avoid him like the plague for the remainder of my shift but he corners me at the end of the day in my office as I change out of the lab coat back into street wear. Sighing, I turn and face him. "What, Pha, say it?"

"Where are you going to hide this time, Beam?" 

"Not telling." I meet his glare. "I know you'll send Forth after me, so you can fuck off. I push past him and leave." Now grinning, my plan is set in motion. I know you, Pha, you're already calling that asshole Forth!