Jealousy

Part 18

I don't look at him. I can't. It took me a long time to figure it out that he never once felt safe enough to actually trust me. I am hurt, no hurting, so badly, that I went and hurt my two closest friends over it.

He got off of his chair and knelt in front of me. "That's what that shit show over lunch was about? Trust? Jealousy? Faith?"

He reaches for my hand and I jerk it away from him. Still not speaking, I can't let him touch me. I'll run if I have too. He speaks again, trying again to get me to face him. "I did what you told me too, Beam. I thought about it. You're not a mean person. Or cruel. There had to be a reason WHY everything was just so."

"Why was Ming and Wayo there? I don't believe it was for old time sake's. They were there because, despite everything, they trust each other. They really believe in their love so much that nothing comes between them, even when they were friends." He rocked back on his heels. "Even when they fight, they still show how they love one another."

"And that new guy? The one with Kit?" Trust Forth not to remember his name. "He got up to defend you but he paid equal attention to Kit. He didn't comfort you, he cradled Kit. Did you know he CARRIED Kit out of there because he was so devastated by the whole experience?"

Forth shook his head. "I had Phana pounding on my door asking if you were okay because your phone is off. Love... that's love. Like you'd talk to me..."

This was the most I'd ever heard him speak, well, other than his glossy update of the past five years. "So what? Are you finally going to tell me the truth, Forth? So I can decide if anyone I know is trustworthy? Or have you all lied to me, thinking that it was for my own good?"

I saw him stiffen. "I... I... don't know what you mean."

"Really? What's Pha apologizing for?" I am sad. I sound sad. "I never once tried to kill myself but why does he think so? Who gave him that idea, Forth?"

His face changes so fast, I can't follow it. He pulls me into his arms. "I can't, Beam. I can't."

I struggle and push myself free. "See? I fuck Phana, right? I lie, right? But who's doing what right now?"

"I love you, Beam. I never should have left you. I'm sorry. I need you, or I will die." Tears are standing in his eyes.

"I am not falling for it again. Try something new." As hard as it is, I turn away. My hunger is gone. A sob catches in my throat. "Why do you always do this to me? What did I ever do that was so wrong to you, Forth, except for loving you with everything I have"

I walk over to where I drop my robe and slip into it. As I walk slowly to the door, Forth shouts out, "Phana told me you tried to kill yourself. Not once but twice. The first time was the night I left. The second time was just over a year ago."

I stop dead in my tracks. "He did what?"

"The night I left, Phana found me on the street corner and told me you tried to kill yourself. I wasn't to come back. Then, when I was in the hospital a year ago, he thought I was trying to kill myself. I mean, you saw my body." He was shaking. I could see it, the trembling. "He told me we were both idiots and why, if we wanted each other so much, were we not together."

"I told him, I can't go back and change anything. It's too late. He told me to try. YOU still wanted me." A teardrop fell. Just one. "I came back, Beam, but I guess I'm too late."

"Are you telling me Pha knew for a whole year where you were and never told me?"

"Yes."

"I'm going to fucking kill him." I finally look at him. "Have you seen me this past year?"

"Yes, I couldn't help myself."

"I thought I was loosing my mind! Going insane, seeing a man on a black motorcycle everywhere! I even got professional help!" I'm yelling now. 

Forth won't meet my eyes. "It was Pha's idea. He said you had to think that reconciliation was your idea." 

"I'm going to fucking kill him." I repeat... I'm talking to myself now. Why would Pha do this to me?  "He's dead."

"Calm down, Beam. Just listen. Things became screwed up because we fucked. We were all supposed to have a nice dinner. Kit knew, but not that big guy. But you wouldn't stay. Phana thought your manners would have you stay."

I KNEW Pha played a part! "Trying to ease his guilty mind." I shrug. "I don't care anymore. I'm done."

Forth stepped closer. "No, we are not finished yet." He ran his fingertips down my bare arms. Goosebumps were left in their wake. "This says we're not done."

"Trust me, have faith in me... I do love you, Beam. I always have." He pulled hard as his hand settled around my wrist and swings me around hard against his chest.

"I know that something happened that you never told me, Beam. That's why you don't talk, only think about things. That's why I need to trust you. I have to have faith in our love." He sighed and I felt how fast his heart was beating.

This is dangerous. Being so close to him? His smell tickles my  nose. I raise my hands and place them against his hard chest to push him away and he puts his hand over one of mine, trapping it. I don't want this.

"No!" I struggle violently against his grip and push. He only tightens his hold, pulling me closer. "Stop, Forth, let me go!"

"No!" He mimics. "I'm not letting go, Beam. Not until you talk to me."

Against my will, my eyes flutter close and I feel it happening. Oh shit, not now... Please, please, not now! But it's too late! Nauseau bubbles up from my tummy and acid burns my throat. I feel it the bile in my mouth and before I know it, it spews out between us, covering both of us!

"Beam?" Forth's voice sounds far away... "Beam? Are you okay? Beam, answer me?" 

I can't, I'm scared, overwhelmed and just too tired to do this anymore. It hurts and it's all too much. I let the nothing claim me.