Jealousy

Part 36

Slowly, I sit up. "Do what? Risk my mental health again for you, Forth? Loving you doesn't mean that I love myself any less. How can I be strong for you if I am spiraling out of control?"

Fuck being naked in a bed with him. I get up and go into my tiny bath. It's a cistern driven, and I don't usually remember to turn on the water heater. Too much trouble since it's outside. I've gotten used to quick showers in cold water. 

Lost in my own thoughts again, I didn't pay attention to Forth, who followed me. I screamed with laughter as he stepped into the cold spray. "Fuck, Beam, where is the hot water tap?"

"Outside." I finished rinsing my soap off. "I am not turning it on, so wash fast." He glares at me and scrubs his body down. Shivering, I pass him one of my three towels. 

I move out of the bedroom to boil the kettle. I need a cup of hot tea. I will get out of Forth why he is here. I will also evict Forth from my home. I don't need an overnight guest making me doubt myself. 

The kitchen is warm. It's often my habit to wear my towel and let the air dry my body. I still like to sleep naked on these hot, muggy nights. Sighing, I hear the kettle sing. I stand and my eyes land on Forth, who is watching me.

He's also dressed in nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist. Fuck my life. He's one fine specimen of a man. I pause, as my mind pictures him without his leg, without riding a motorcycle. Yes, I'd still love him. 

I make tea and bring the pot and two mugs to the small table. Forth sits down. "What are you doing, Beam?"

A soft snort. "Having a cup of tea. You're having a cup of tea, too." I pour the tea and examine it critically. I could have waited a wee bit longer. It's on the weak side. Well, whatever. I blow gently over it and take a sip. 

"That's not what I meant. Why are you scared to return to Bangkok?" Ah, there's the blunt Forth!

"Why are you scared to have an operation on your knee?" We've known each other too long. We know the other's weak points.

His eyelashes drift down. I scored a direct hit. "I will tell you why if you talk. Only then." I drink more tea and sigh. It really is too weak for me. I stand up and dump it out. I stay by the sink, looking at him, waiting for him.

Out of nowhere, I hear, "I've only ever been afraid twice in my lifetime, Beam." His fingers start to drum nervously on my table. "Until today." He is not looking at me. He's looking at his fingers or somewhere at the floor. 

"The first was when I met you. My heart was racing so fast I thought I was dying. I wasn't. I just wanted you so badly, that if I didn't have you, I would die." I think... I think I made a sound. I don't know. He never told me that before.

"The second time I was scared was standing outside of the dorm, and Phana showed up. Not you and said to fuck off, that you'd never see me again. That I ruined whatever we had." His fingers stilled. "I would have fought Phana but it was five hours later! You never turned on a light in the room. You didn't walk around. I watched. I waited. Nothing."

"I think a part of me always knew you were suicidal. I just was unwilling to admit it. Deep down, I knew it. I mean, I lived on the rooftops of the university back then, so why hadn't I seen you up there before?" Now he lifted his eyes up to glance at me and then back down.

I really didn't like what I saw. Oh no, this wasn't a man intent on fighting, he was planning on giving up.

"What's left, Beam? How will I be a whole man now? I've never been scared for myself. Even when I hurt my leg, I just picked myself up and got help! It's what a man does. On one leg, I won't be able to fucking do that!" He slammed both fists on the table. "I won't be able to love you anymore!"

The chair was pushed back and fell to the floor as he rushed into my bedroom. I heard him rustling around and then, without saying anything else, left.

Slowly, I walked to my phone and called Pha. 

"Beam? What's the matter? It's late." How he put so much concern in his tone, I don't know. 

"Forth. He only heard the worst. He needs help and I can't give it to him. We're too close." I start to cry. "Why did you send him to me, Pha? Why?"

"Do you think he would have believed me? He needs to have treatment, Beam. You know that as well as I do." There were noises on the other end. "I'll wake Kit and Bennie. We'll go look for him and keep you posted." 

And then even Pha was gone. It was one of the most horrible nights of my life.

Forth

I walked back to my car in the dark. I got lost a few times, but managed to re-orientate myself. While I'm walking, I'm cursing. Cursing life in general. Does it help? No.

I sit in the car and wonder, do I go back to the hostel? Is it better to go home to my family? Should I even tell them? Fuck! I bang my head against the steering wheel and accidently honk the horn. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

I really am confused. I thought being with Beam would help me organize my tangled thoughts.

It only made it worse. How can I be with him with one leg? I can't fuck him with one leg? Walk with him, holding his hand, with one leg? 

I scream aloud, "I can't be a fucking crippled man, in a chair for the rest of my life!" 

A knock on my window startles me out of my misery. Fuck, it's that big fat guy of Kit's. He's grinning at me like a fool. He makes a motion to roll down the window. Taking a deep breath, I do. "What?"

In his broken Thai, "You come home with me, yes."

I shake my head no. He smiles, and nods. "Yes." I wonder if I can take him and then I realize how much my leg is hurting. Beam said to stay off of it or it gets worse every day. 

I try another tactic. "Why?"

"They worry." My heart hurts. My head hurts. I slip my car key into my pocket and get out of my car. 

"Fine. Let's go." I squeal with horror as the big guy slings me over his shoulder in a fireman's lift and yells, "Kit, I found him!"

"Put me down, you monkey!" 

He only laughs and keeps walking.