Jealousy

Part 20

Beam

I stare curiously at Forth. Not once in the eight years I've known him have I never not wanted him. Not once. Even now, it's hard to not show my desire. It's pooling deep in my loins even at the thought. Why has he changed his mind? He said he wasn't going anywhere?

My trust issues flare and I shake my head. I won't be abandoned again. "No thanks, Forth, I'll pass."

Forth nods. "One last kiss, a good bye kiss, then?"

I narrow my eyes. "Forth? What the fuck is going on? One minute you say you're not leaving and now this?"

"It's obvious, Beam. I am the reason why Phana and Kit think you're trying to kill yourself. Look at what happened today." He sounds sad.

I shrug. I know he has nothing to do with it, he's a byproduct, not the cause. "Don't take on so much guilt, Forth. It's not good for you. I know."

I stand and walk away from him. As I open the door, I look back at him, sitting on the chaise lounge. His sad, hunched frame is different than the confident man I'm used too. I harden my heart. This time, it's me closing the door. I have to survive. I will survive. Maybe I will... who the fuck cares anymore?

In any case, I drop a bone. If he's smart, he will figure it out. If not, I will run and hide on Tuesday. I don't need anyone anymore. I am no longer alive.

"You're absolutely right, Forth. I didn't fuck you for revenge. I don't talk much because I need everyone around me to believe IN me, have faith and trust in my answers." I close the door of the pool house softly behind me and start running.

Gasping, I lock the door of my guest house behind me. I stink. I strip in the small living area and walk tiredly to the shower and almost crawl into it. Waves and waves of emotions are threatening to overtake me again and I fight them with everything I have to just finish showering.

I get out and towel dry and crawl into bed naked. Dressing is something I simply don't have energy to do. In the safety of my bed, my room in a safely locked house, I drift back asleep.

Hours later I wake up and fuck my life, I'm not alone! How in the fucking hell did HE get in here? Struggling to escape blankets that have been securely tucked around me, I finally sit up. "Forth? What the fuck are you doing here?"

He turns from looking outside to face me. "Waiting for you to wake up. I was beginning to wonder if you were going to sleep the day away."

"Why?"

"Revenge, sex, faith and trust." He counts them off on his fingers. He studies my face and then holds up a fifth. "Depression."

"That asshole!"

His face screws up a wee bit, as if he knows. Pha promised, a blood oath, never to tell him! I will seriously fucking kill him if he told Forth! "Depression? What about it?"

"I looked it up after you left, Beam. You fit it, the symptoms, I mean." He doesn't move from his seat on the bed. "You had it back in University, didn't you?"

I leave the question unanswered. What difference does it make now? "You left me. What do you care now?"

"Do you think if I had known, we would have fought?"

"Yes." Yes, yes, yes! My brain screams at me. My heart... says no. It is saying he would have loved me deeper, harder.

He stands and comes closer. Crouches on the ground, captures my eyes and holds the stare. "Beam, fuck's sake, be completely honest now. Do you really think I would have left? Do you really think we would have fought the way we did?"

I wish he would give me a reason to fight him. Touch me, try it... anything! No, he just looks at me. Out of desperation, I have to give in, "No."

Shame floods me, I hear my voices start. You're so weak, giving in. No, I'm not. It's not a sin to be truthful. I have to tell him. I will just work harder and be exhausted and I can beat you. I won't need to listen to you!

I know I'm trying to beat myself up, I've seen the doctors over and over through the years. I'm in a constant battle with myself. I've forgotten Forth's even in the room as once again, I get lost inside my head. When I think I can win an argument, I feel euphoric, when I think I'm loosing, I feel the tears building.

I'm not sure how long it's lasting but only the touch of his hand on my face brings me back to reality. "Fuck, Forth, don't touch me!" I pull back, the blanket slips down my body, "Don't... touch me."

I haven't heard gentleness like this in years, not from Forth. It caresses over my shattering nerves like a cool balm, soothing my tender nerves. "Please stop, Forth. Don't..." It's too late. The first tear slides down my cheek.

"I told you, Beam. I love you. I always have. I'll leave once you explain why." He moves to sit on the bed. I'm trapped now. My nipples tighten. Why the fuck is my body so aware of every part of him? Damn him for noticing!

He groans and shifts, adjusting his tightening pants. "No, no sex. We are talking today." He reaches and lightly strokes my sleep mussed hair, arranging it. "I failed you when we were together. I didn't notice you needed me. I'm not doing that again."

I really start to cry now. I hate myself. I cry really ugly. "Fuck." He mutters and pulls me into a hug, patting my back and lets me cry it out. I hold on and just cry. It seems like this wasn't a good thing to do... for now we both are reminded of my nudity.

In his arms, my bare backside becomes cold as the air drifts across it. The way Forth holds me, he can see straight down my back to my bare ass. Half on his lap, I am fully aware of how excited he is. This, in turn, is changing my tears to sexual energy. It flares to life between us.

I don't know why I did it. I don't, honest, I don't. I rubbed my leg against his hard cock and moaned.

Forth tipped my head back and studied my wet, tear stained face. Then he kissed me exactly the way he used to. The way that makes my head spin. He started on one corner of my lips and pressed gently. Then slowly, carefully sucked the bottom lip until I parted and he could take all of it. I sucked on his top lip and before I knew it, our tongues danced together.

He swept the blanket out of the way and lay me down, exposing my nudity to his sight. I lay there, allowing him to look his fill. Then he swiftly removed his shirt and pants and straddled my lower body. Nor did I comprehend his meaning when he whispered, "Beam, let our love reign free!"