Jealousy

Part 2

My sleep again was restless. Groaning, I woke with a full boner at 1 a.m. from one of the wickedest dreams I've had in months. Why now? Was it too long since I've had sex?

I simply had no desire to fuck anyone but you... not that I didn't try after you left. I just couldn't perform. I tried women. I tried men. I couldn't get hard. They weren't you. Fuck you, Forth! You ruined sex for me!

I grabbed my hard aching dick in my hand and slid it up and down and swore I could feel your tongue, just the way I was dreaming. Sliding my thumb across the wet tip, it really didn't take much imagination for it to be you...

It wasn't as if you could suddenly be here, fucking me. This was the closest that you could be with me. Right now, I would take you any way I could have you. It's how I stayed close to sane these past years.

Suddenly hot cum shot over my chest. I gave a few more strokes, until it was too tender to touch and I shuddered.

I slid out of bed and walked to the shower. Once there, I let the water wash me clean and stayed there until the water was cool and so was I. Returning to the bedroom, it smelled of sex. I swept the sheets off the bed and thrust them into the hamper.

I wasn't going to sleep if I was reminded over and over of Forth. I took down a spare blanket and rolled myself in it and fell back to sleep.

The day passed slowly until it was time to meet the gang for dinner. I arrived at the restaurant before the others. I walked, because for once, I did plan to get drunk. I rarely drink these days for fear of talking about him.

Today, I just didn't give a fuck.

Kit and Bennie arrived first. Bennie hugged me. I tolerate it because he's a teddy bear. A huge giant of a man, tall as Phana but wider. Otherwise, I really hate being touched. Bennie, he's a foreigner. How Kitty ended up with a Frenchman... well, in private Phana and I like to tease him about his "skills".

Kit tells us to fuck off - a lot.

Phana arrived, running late as usual these days. I went white with shock and almost bolted from the table if Kit wouldn't have grabbed my knee and held it with a death grip.

If my eyes were not playing tricks with me, that was FORTH walking in with him!

What the fuck was Phana thinking, bringing him here? Without telling me first? I am fucking going to kill him, best friend or not.

"Sorry I'm late, guys." Phana said, puffing a bit. He didn't work out much, saying walking the halls was enough. "I was stopped at the hospital when I went to check on a patient by..."

"Me." Forth interjected. "I was looking for you, Beam. Phana kindly offered to bring me along so we could meet."

"That's nice. I have nothing to talk to you about." I nodded to the rest. "Enjoy your meal." I stood up to leave and was pulled down by both Kit and Phana.

"You're not leaving. If anyone goes, it will be him." Three sets of eyes turned and looked at Forth. Phana continued, "The only reason I brought you along, is because this is a safe place with all of us and you can't hurt him again. So if you want to say something, this is the only place you can."

Forth nodded. "I'm sorry for the way I left, Beam. I was wrong."

"Apology not accepted. Get lost." My voice was flat. I felt dead inside. It took five years for him to face me with that? He could go to hell. I now had two hours of holding back tears before all of the emotions I was feeling could be let out.

Phana felt cheerful as he said, "You heard him. Get lost, Forth."

Forth stood, anger evident. He stood and leaned in close to me, "I don't believe you, Beam. I don't believe that you could change that much. You haven't seen the last of me."

"Why? Are you planning on tearing up my new life as much as you tore holes in my last life with you?" I grabbed Phana's hand. "I have all the support I need right here." I held Kit's hand up and then took Bennie's. "You see this? They support me too. They love me, in the right way. So, fuck off Forth."

I turned my eyes down to the table top and refused to look up again. Bennie stood, his full intimidating height. I heard him say, "You, I walk out. I don't like you."

Forth turned and looked at me, an odd look in his eyes. "I'll see you again, Beam. We need to talk." He nodded to the rest of the table and walked off, confident in his strides. I refused to watch him leave. I felt Kit tap, then hit my knee.

"Beam, he's gone. Talk to us."

Taking deep calming breaths the way Doc Pram taught me, I raised my head and glared at Phana. "Why the fuck did you bring him to me?"

"Because you need to close that part of your past. You think I don't know it still haunts you? You don't sleep or eat because of what he did. You won't tell us what he did. Face him. Tell him off. Just do something, Beam." Phana ran his fingers through his hair. "We're scared. We're watching you wither and die and why? Because of something that asshole did."

"I'm fine. I keep telling you guys, I'm fine. I eat, I sleep, I exercise. I even see the Doc you recommended regularly. Why do you think I'm dying?" I'm now mad and frustrated. I can't stay here any longer. They're not safe. They're returning to prying where they don't belong - my innermost feelings.

I stand up and look down at my friends. They are my only friends. I have other acquaintances, but this table, they are the only ones I can call friends. "Thank you for caring about me. For always being there." I turn and start to walk away, then I stop and look back. "You do realize that you can't always fix broken, right?"

Phana pushes his chair and it hits the floor. Everyone in the restaurant looks at us as he grabs my arm. "I may not be able to fix everything, Beamie, but I can damn well try. I need to know why you gave Forth the thought we were a couple."

He shook my arm gently. "You always were so careful to never touch me. In fact, you'd get mad if there was even accidental touches around him. Why now?"

"To piss him off. Good night." Snarling, I left.

Standing outside, I breathed in the warm air and tried to calm down. What to do now? I had no appetite, but hadn't eaten all day. This was bad... I just wanted to drink and get drunk but as a doctor, I knew that was a very, very bad idea.

I needed food first. I wanted a simple bowl of noodles, then I'd pick up beer and drink to my loneliness.